Tea for Two
by Oneturtledove
Summary: We don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents. AU from the beginning of season 2, Lindsay centric, don't want to give away any pairings yet.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer, Spoilers, et al: Yeah, they're not mine and this is pretty AU from the beginning of season 2.

A/N: I am sure this has been done before, probably several times, but here is my take on it. Just something I've been writing to clear the cobwebs when I run into a block on other things. Not sure when I'll be updating or really what kind of quality it will be but I'm hoping to just have fun with this one. Enjoy!

* * *

This whole 'leaving Montana for the Big Apple' thing was turning out to be a lot more difficult than Lindsay Monroe had ever anticipated. She'd been prepared for the homesickness and the culture shock and the faster pace and even the accents that were so foreign sounding. She knew things would be different, knew that she'd have moments of wanting to go home and that the first few weeks would be hard, at least until she found her footing. What she wasn't prepared for was the constant self-doubt and second guessing.

When she'd started down this road she'd been so convinced that it was right, but now she was having massive doubts. Had she really done this for the right reasons? Was she running because she was afraid, or was running a defense to legitimately protect herself? Would she actually be able to pull it off or would it all come crashing down around her ears? Pride goeth before a fall and the fall she could experience had the ability to ruin everything.

Even now at work, while everyone was sitting in the conference room sharing information and theories on their latest case, her mind was nowhere near the file in her hand. It was back in Montana, lost on the most beautiful set of brown eyes she'd ever seen.

"_Do you know how much I love you?"_

"_Yes."_

"_It won't be long."_

"_You said that."_

"_I have to do this. Eventually things will be better."_

"_I'll miss you-"_

"Lindsay?"

"Hmm?"

"Initial findings at the scene?"

"Oh sorry. Um, splatter patterns shows a cast off concentrated three feet from the victim. Other blood spatter indicates the height of our killer between 5'11" and 6' tall, which is unfortunately the average height of most men and interestingly not the height of anyone we like as a suspect."

As her new colleagues discussed this piece of information, she sat back in her chair and looked out over the skyline, hearing an old familiar tune in her head, as if it had always been there, never going fully away, just like a memory that she recalled unbidden.

_He gives beauty for ashes,  
Strength for fear  
Gladness for mourning  
Peace for despair_

They were words that had comforted her so many times, through different changes and adventures and she felt if she could listen to them a few more times, even just in her head, she could make all the questions turn off and leave her alone for a while.

Everyone had gathered their things and left by the time she broke out of her reverie and she was startled to find herself alone.

Well, almost alone.

Adam had dropped his report and was cleaning it up off the floor, cursing when he got a paper cut.

"You okay down there?"

"I'm fine, just one of those 'I made coffee but forgot to turn it on' kind of days.

"I've had my share of those."

"Like today?"

"What tipped you off?" she chuckled, hitting the lights as they left the room and made their way down to reconstruction.

"I think someone could have let loose twenty turkeys in there and you wouldn't have noticed."

"I was hoping it wasn't quite that bad. I'm just tired. I finally found a place but moving in and buying furniture and everything else is exhausting."

"Weekends coming."

"Two days of blessed sleep and cooking actual food. I can't wait."

"So where was your mind this morning?"

"Back home on the front porch swing."

"Sounds better than here."

"It is."

They worked quietly together for a while, setting up the reconstruction of the crime scene so they could recreate the blood spatter and make sure that her measurements had been correct. She'd been vaguely aware of Mac assigning them this project and she was glad Adam had been paying attention to the specifics or she would have to admit to Mac that she'd been completely off in another world.

"Alright, you want to do the stabbing or should I?" Adam asked, positioning the mannequin on the floor.

"You're taller than me," she shrugged. "You can stand on this box to make up for the rest of the difference."

"I'm not that short."

"On the box, Ross."

"Geez," he muttered, stepping up to the box and donning the protective face mask. "It's no wonder women always think us men enjoy gratuitous mayhem. You force us into it."

"I'm not even sure how to respond to that," Lindsay chuckled, stepping away so she wouldn't get splattered with fake blood.

"You clear?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

He looked at the photograph of the body once more before he went at the mannequin, making sure to stab it in the same places as the victim.

"Well that's probably the weirdest part about our job," Lindsay said, taking pictures of the blood spatter patterns before measuring them.

"I always feel a little creepy afterwards," Adam agreed. "How are we looking?"

"Well I didn't make a mistake the first time, all the measurements and calculations match up."

"You think Mac asked you to do a reconstruction because he didn't trust what you'd done the first time?"

"No. Well yeah, a little. He doesn't ask anyone else to go back over their work."

"He just wants you to prove yourself. He makes me go back through everything too. New kids and all."

"Yeah, well this isn't middle school and I don't like it."

Adam gave her a look and she sighed, shaking her head.

"I understand why he does it and that's okay. I just wish I didn't have to prove it. He hired me, that should be enough."

"Well, keep plugging away and before you know it you'll be looking down your nose at some intern and asking them to check their work again."

"Very funny."

He shrugged and took the clipboard from her, signing his name to indicate that he'd witnessed the reconstruction, as was customary for everyone, not just her.

"Let's clean this up and go tell Mac you were right and he needs to look for more suspects."

"I dare you to walk up to him and say that."

"Me? Have you seen me try to talk to anyone at all?"

"You seem to do pretty well with me."

"Yeah, but that's because you don't make me nervous."

She nodded and they continued to clean up before heading back upstairs with their findings.

"So what are you off to do now?"

"I've got some stuff from another case to work on. I am the tech guy after all. You?"

"Considering I've been here six hours I might take a break, but I'm sure there's something else to do."

"One perk to not being field rated."

"Hush."

They parted ways in the hall and she went to her desk, checking over papers and letting her mind wander back, back, back.

_Life would never be the same again. She knew that already, no matter the outcome she knew it would change her. But a two pink lines were obviously more life changing than just one and she sat there breathing deeply for a few moments, not really believing that she was going to be one of those girls. Knocked up in college, by a guy she barely knew, a complete disappointment and shame to her family. The guilt of not following the life path that they'd all seen for her was worse than the thought of actually telling them, and her stomach grew even more upset. _

_She went back into the bathroom and threw up hard, until her body collapsed on the floor, unable to move from the physical exertion and the emotional toll. Without knowing what made it happen, her hand moved over her stomach, her thumb stroking up and down gently as if this child could feel that small motion of comfort._

_After a while she got up, walked on wobbly legs through the dorm room and curled up in her bed, crying roughly and trying to figure out where to go from here. She had to tell Josh, there was no getting around that. She was pretty sure how he would feel about it, but she didn't know if he would at least try to be a father, or if he would see his kid once a year. Lindsay didn't really care about that part at the moment. She wasn't in love with Josh by any stretch of the imagination, no matter how fast their relationship had gone. Was it really only a month ago, the end of August when everything happened? It seemed like longer than that, but she knew a month was no time at all. Especially considering that she'd met him and gotten pregnant in the space of about two weeks. She couldn't believe herself, was too embarrassed to even think the thought completely through. This was not her. This was not the girl her parents had raised. This was not the girl she wanted to be._

_She lay there for almost an hour, crying for what she'd done, the parts of life that were over. She never cried, however, with regret about the life that was growing within her. Never once. Each time she let herself think about this unborn child, her heart leapt with joy and wonder. She was terrified, but she knew this child was going to be loved absolutely beyond description, no matter who was happy about it. _

_After a while she rolled over and picked up her phone, calling Josh just to get it out of the way. He didn't answer, which wasn't that much of a surprise and she was too worked up to leave a message, so she hung up and rolled over, closing her eyes and falling asleep, shutting the world away._

"Montana?"

"Hmm."

"Hello? What's goin' on?"

"What?"

"You're like, in another planet."

"On another planet."

"You're really quibbling over a conjuction?"

"Preposition."

"Am I givin' you a headache?"

"No, I already had one, but you're makin' me laugh. Keep goin' School House Rock."

"Anyway, we've got a scene to get to."

"I'm already in the middle of one case."

"Don't worry, you're not gonna be distracted. Flack thinks it's the same killer."

"Ug. What is my motivation to actually get out of this seat?"

"Um… I'll buy you coffee on the way."

"Okay, sold."

He offered his hand and helped her up, then handed her the kit she had stashed next to the desk.

"This is the job that never ends."


	2. Chapter 2

_It was days before she talked to Josh, and she knew he had been avoiding her. It wasn't like they had ever been the kind of couple that talked every day, but it was apparent that he'd wanted his space. Finally he'd run out of excuses and come over, sitting on the edge of the couch while she paced across the room. _

"_I'm pregnant," she finally blurted out, the first time she'd spoken the words. Josh was silent for a moment, cracking his knuckles before he spoke. _

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Is it mine?"_

_She rolled her eyes at that; he knew very well it was his. _

"_Yes."_

"_Okay. Um… I guess, good luck with that."_

_She'd been expecting some amount of rejection, but not to this degree. She watched him stand from the couch and cross to the door and she stood there silently for a second. _

"_Hey, wait a minute! Are you seriously just walking out?"_

"_Yeah, I am."_

"_If you walk out now Josh, you're walking out for good. Just think about that for a minute."_

"_I didn't sign up for this, Lindsay. It's not what I planned. I'm not going to screw up my life because of you."_

_The words cut her deeply, similar ones had been spoken to her before and she felt tears coming into her eyes._

"_You don't want to have anything to do with this baby?"_

"_No, I don't."_

_He slipped out the door before she could ask him anything else and she felt her knees buckling beneath her and she sunk slowly to the floor, crying hard for what felt like the hundredth time this week. She knew she would be a single mother and if he had, in a chivalrous moment wanted to stay with her and even marry her, she would have denied him. But she didn't know he would walk out on his child. She couldn't imagine any man being that cold hearted, and the fact that she'd given herself over completely to someone like him just made her feel like scum. She was a horrible person and no one else would ever want her. This poor child, how awful it would be to have a mother like her. _

_She sat up after a few moments, rubbing her eyes and resigning herself to the fact that she was going to be completely on her own. Josh didn't want or need her and she didn't want or need him. And no matter how she felt about herself right now, she knew it would do her child no good to be self deprecating, and she was going to have to learn to walk proud at some point. _

_The door opened and she looked up, finding her roommate Audrey, a large stack of books in her arms. _

"_Lindsay. Are you alright?"_

_She shook her head, not sure where to begin, if she even wanted to say at all._

"_What happened?"_

"_Josh and I broke up."_

"_Oh, I'm so sorry," Audrey said, setting her books on the table and sinking down to the floor. "Why?"_

"_Because… because…I'm pregnant."_

"_Oh Linds."_

_Audrey didn't judge her in that moment, didn't lecture her or ask questions. She simply leaned over and pulled Lindsay into her arms, hugging her tightly and letting her cry. They hadn't known each other very long, but they got along well, and Lindsay figured if Audrey could take this so calmly, her family should at least be able to accept it. _

"_What are you going to do?"_

"_I'm keeping it. Other than that, I have no idea. This wasn't supposed to happen. I never thought about it."_

"_It's going to be okay. It happens to lots of people. You can still go to school. I'll help you with whatever I can. I can even go with you when you tell your parents."_

"_I need to go lay down."_

_Audrey helped her up then hugged her once more. _

"_It's going to be okay, Lindsay. I know it will."_

"_Thanks."_

* * *

"So what you're saying to me right now is that you have an alibi, you have at least ten people that can vouch for you being where you said you were, and you don't know why they won't back you up."

"Well…"

"The only actual alibi you have is the fact that witnesses saw you arguing with our victim less than an hour before he died. Funnily enough, his business partner was murdered the very next day in exactly the same way."

"I don't think that's just a coinci-dink," Danny muttered, leaning back in his chair.

"The building you live in was slated to be torn down in order to make room for their new condos. I'd be mad too," Lindsay said in a light voice, giving a little shrug.

"Yeah, I'd be ticked. Especially if I'd lived there all my life. We understand, Will."

"Look, I didn't do anything. Yeah, they wanted to tear down my building, but they were paying all of us for it. It was more than enough to find another place."

"Find another rent controlled building in Manhattan? One that held all the memories of your life? One that your family had lived in for generations?"

"No, but do you think I care about my family? They all left, I've got nothing."

"Nothing except your home."

Will rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair, shaking his head.

"What's my motive? I kill them and I don't get the money."

"No, but you get to stay. That's more important to you isn't it?"

"I want a lawyer."

"Okay, that's fine, you can have one," Danny said, standing up and gathering his papers from the table. "I just hope you know that the evidence we've got against you can't be changed even by the best lawyer. That blood is still on your hands."

Danny stalked out of the room and Lindsay followed him, trying to read his demeanor from the back. She hadn't known him all that long, but despite being a man's man, notorious for never tipping his hand and revealing his emotions, she could tell just by the tenseness in his arms that he was frustrated.

"Danny?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"We don't got much on him when it comes down to it, you know," he said, turning around and crossing his arms over his chest.

"What do you mean?"

"Everything we have is circumstantial, we don't have any concrete evidence, not one single piece of forensic anything that ties him to these deaths. All we have is a weak motive and no alibi."

"Well then let's go find some evidence. That warrant covered a lot, we're bound to find something."

"You think I was too gung-ho, goin' in there and questioning him so early?"

"No," she said simply, heading out the door.

"I don't understand how you operate, Montana," he sighed, resigned to following her back to the lab.

"I don't understand how I operate either so don't even worry about it."

"You are a hard read. You know that?"

"Sure."

He shook his head and laughed a little.

"No, I mean… you're like this person who works in the lab and ceases to exist outside of it."

"Well… thanks a lot."

"No, I just mean that we don't really know you. You know, like you could have this private life that none of us would ever guess like you could be datin' a politician or you could be trainin' for the Olympics or…"

"Right," she laughed. "I think I know what you mean but um… I am definitely not dating a politician and I am even more definitely not training for the Olympics."

"So then what do you do when you go home?"

"Sleep. I do a lot of sleeping. And eating too, probably more than sleeping."

"That's it?"

"Danny, I've been working about 60 hours a week since I started here. I don't really have time for much else."

"But if you did?"

"I don't know. Life is different here than it was at home. I haven't found myself yet."

"Well when you do, let me know. I want to see if you take up knitting."

"Suddenly I feel like my mother," she said, stepping into the layout room and grabbing coat and a pair of gloves. Danny chuckled and donned his lab attire too.

"Hey Adam. Starting our work for us?"

"Yeah, Mac said you're leaving early today so I should help out."

"Leavin' early Montana? You didn't want to mention that before? Where are you goin'?"

"Nowhere important. I just have a… thing. And you know, it's not that early since I'm still working ten hours."

"Okay, whatever. Not like I can get out of here early to take my girlfriend out or anything."

Lindsay snorted a laugh and exchanged a look with Adam who was grinning too.

"What?"

"I think I heard the same phrase uttered at a J.V. football practice once."

"You have brothers don't you?"

"Yeah, three older ones."

"It's not a mystery then," he mumbled, shaking his head and setting to work, pulling things out of the box and logging them in before he started to examine them. Lindsay did the same and they all worked in silence for over an hour, the work tedious and revealing very little.

"Positive for blood on the soles of the shoes," Danny said after a while. It's scuffed up, like he wiped his feet on a welcome mat or something, but it's there."

"Enough for a match?"

"Enough to try. I'm going to go ahead and test this and clean out the treads just in case."

"Alright. I'm going to head out, but I'll be back in the morning so you can save me stuff if you want."

"Yeah, get outta here. Go do your thing."

"Thanks."

She cleaned up her workspace and left the room, sighing in relief that it was finally the weekend and she could get started on her to-do list. The movers were meeting her at her apartment in one hour and then it would be two days of unpacking and convincing herself not to run home.

The subway was slow, crowded, hot, and humid, and by the time she got home all she wanted was dinner and a shower. Unfortunately the movers were already there. Frustrated at the timing, she stood at the front door and told them which rooms to put everything in, laughing as they teased each other and made the whole process seem a lot easier. It took two hours to get everything inside, and when the men offered to put her furniture in place, she couldn't really say no.

Finally she could sit, prop her feet up on the coffee table and close her eyes for five minutes. Except she had no coffee table; it had been sold months ago because she didn't think she'd find an apartment in New York City that was big enough for her to have a coffee table at all.

"This is not going the way I planned," she groaned, tipping her head back on the couch and closing her eyes, while reaching around for her phone. Once she found it she cracked on eye open to make sure she'd chosen the right contact, then hit the little green button that would connect her to someone that would be honest about the whole matter.

"Hello."

"Audrey am I a total moron?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Don't be cheeky."

"You're not a moron Lindsay. A little misguided possibly. Stubborn to a fault. Really hates to be wrong. But not a moron."

"Thanks."

"What's the matter?"

"I want to come home. Forget I ever did this."

"Is it really that bad?"

"It's not bad. It's actually pretty good. It's just scary. Being here alone, not having anyone to rely on. It's really screwing with me."

"Well, I'm just a phone call away. It's not the same as being just around the block of course but, there's nothing I can do about that now is there?"

"You know, you could move out here too. You'd love it."

"Says the girl who just told me how scary it was."

"It wouldn't be so scary if we were here together!"

"Lindsay you're a dork."

"I know. Hey thanks for tellin' me the truth."

"Absolutely. I have a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth."

Lindsay snorted a laugh and shook her head, missing her friend terribly, but not feeling quite so terrible in the moment.

"So when are your parents getting out there?"

"In the morning."

"You don't sound happy."

"You know how they are. They'll probably try to talk me into going back home. They'll say this isn't good enough and… I don't know."

"Call me if they drive you nuts."

"I will."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too. Come out here and visit."

"Maybe once you get all settled. Thanksgiving?"

"Yes. But let's not have the exploding cranberry sauce fiasco again."

"Deal."

"I need to start unpacking and get this place semi-livable or my parents are going to call the authorities when they get here."

"They love you."

"I know. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Night Linds."

They hung up and Lindsay sighed, staring at the phone for a moment before placing another call, this time to her mom.

"Hey sweetie."

"Hey mom. What's up?"

"Not much, just finishing packing for the trip tomorrow. Is it cold there yet?"

"No. A little breezy, but not cold. People here are lightweights though, they're all wearing coats and stuff. Like fifty degrees is freezing."

"My country girl."

"Speaking of which, can I talk to my kiddo?"

"She's asleep already. We put her to bed early so we didn't have to pry her out of it in the morning."

"Oh. Well could you… I know this sounds weird but could you go hold the phone up to her so I can hear her breathe? I miss her a lot."

"Sure sweetie."

"Has she been good?"

"She's always good, Lindsay. She can't wait to see you. Here she is, sleeping with her thumb half in her mouth."

Lindsay smiled and closed her eyes, listening to the gentle, sleepy breathing noises of her little girl, half the country away, sleeping under old quilts with her teddy bear tucked under her arm and her dark hair splayed over the pillow. She'd missed three weeks of nights like that and after tomorrow she would never have to miss another one.

* * *

_Fall passed into winter. Days became shorter, nights were long and lonely. By Thanksgiving she still hadn't told anyone, and Audrey had become her daily support, always being there to listen or offer advice or make her laugh. It wasn't the same as having her family there for support though, and she knew that the time to tell them had arrived. _

_It was the day after Thanksgiving and she'd come home for the long weekend, enjoying the time with her nephews who seemed to be growing faster than was physically possible. It had been a nice quiet holiday and she didn't want to ruin it with her news, so she waited until the day after to tell her parents. _

_They were sitting on the couch when she came downstairs, reading magazines and oblivious to the news she was about to deliver. _

"_Can I talk to you?" she asked softly, her heart breaking at the smiles they gave her. _

"_Sure honey. What's going on?"_

_She wrung her hands as she paced, her breathing coming in short waves and her teeth worrying her bottom lip._

"_I don't know how to tell you this. I know you're going to be disappointed in me and you're probably going to be mad. And you have every right to be and I wouldn't hold it against you. I'm really, really sorry for this."_

"_Sweetheart, what's wrong? Did you fail a class?"_

"_No. I wish that's all this was. I really do."_

"_You're scaring me."_

"_Mama… daddy… I'm pregnant."_

_They both just sat there silently, expressions not changing as they let the information sink it. She knew it hurt them, and she didn't know whether their silence was good or bad, but she continued to brace herself of what was to come._

"_Lindsay…"_

"_Daddy, I'm sorry. I made a mistake, I was stupid and-"_

"_Lindsay I think maybe you should leave before any of us say things we don't mean."_

"_Daddy."_

"_We're going to need some time, sweetheart."_

_She nodded, moving across the room and taking her coat off the rack. She'd played this over in her head as a scenario and she was glad she'd thought to put her shoes on and get her purse ready. They didn't hate her, she was sure about that, but she also knew that this was hurting them a lot. They'd believed in her, pushed her to reach her goals, and now she was telling them that she'd thrown a gigantic roadblock right in the way._

_She thought about driving back to her dorm, but it was late and dark and the roads were iced over and she didn't really feel like navigating her way back to a dark and cold dorm room. She started up the car, figuring she could drive into town and back, giving her parents enough time to deal with it all. She was halfway there when she realized that there was a very warm and safe place she could go. Grandma Jane's._

_She turned the car in that direction, turning the radio up as she drove, feeling slightly better at the anticipation of being folded into her grandmother's arms and tucked into the old sleigh bed, just like when she was a little girl. She wasn't sure what she would say, but she was almost certain she wouldn't have to say a word._

_She parked the car in the lot and made her way upstairs to the small apartment where her grandmother had always lived. Grandpa Gary had died before Lindsay was born and her grandmother had lived in this apartment ever since. It was warm and cozy and always smelled like apples and cinnamon. A place of comfort and safety, one that she desperately needed._

_She knocked gently on the door and it swung open quickly. _

"_Gram."_

"_Oh honey. Come inside, it's freezing out there."_

_Lindsay stepped through the door and let out the breath she'd been holding. _

"_Your daddy called me, said you might end up here. Sit down, I'll bring you some coffee. Don't worry, I have decaf."_

_Lindsay lowered herself onto the couch, relieved that her dad had broken the news and she didn't have to. She didn't think she could bear to say the words again. She pulled her feet up underneath her and sighed deeply, one hand resting on her still flat stomach._

"_Okay little one. Talk to grandma."_

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_

"_No more of that, my darling. Look at my eyes Lindsay Jane. You have nothing to be sorry about. I don't want you to ever think that anyone is mad at you about this. So maybe things didn't go as planned. Tough cookies. You're bringing a child into this world, a child that is loved beyond measure. How it came to be is of little significance. Do you understand me?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Good. Now, let's talk about your plans."_

"_I'm going to finish school. I have to. The baby is due in May, just after school gets out. I'll take my maternity leave and then go back to work. Audrey said she can watch the baby in the mornings while I work and then once school starts I can put the baby in daycare. I already know the school has some programs I can take advantage of to get free childcare. I'll go to class in the morning, work in the afternoon and evening and hopefully I'll have time to be a mom and everything else at night. I need to do a budget and figure out where to live, but I might be able to get Audrey to move in with me, at least for a little while. It's going to be hard, but I think I can make it."_

"_Can I help you?"_

"_Help me how?"_

"_You can live here."_

"_Gram… I can't do that to you."_

"_You can't come and keep me company and let me love on my great grandchild whenever I want?"_

"_It's too easy, Gram."_

"_Honey, you may be a mother now but that doesn't mean that you can't ask for help. Monroe's are proud, but we ain't stupid."_

_Lindsay smiled and rested her head on the older woman's shoulder, knowing that while her parents hadn't said it, they were thinking the same things. They would be there to help her, even if coming to terms with it was a struggle right now._

"_Gram?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Do you think I can do it? Be a mother all on my own?"_

"_I know you can. Because you already decided to do it."_

"_I'm scared, grammy."_

"_What are you scared of little one?"_

"_Everything. Raising a baby alone. That baby becoming a teenager. Bad things happening. What if I suck at being a mom? What if I don't know how to raise a kid and I mess up and this kid hates me or hates the world or something even worse?"_

"_Now you stop that. It's alright to be concerned and it's alright to be scared, but you don't need to work yourself up creating scenarios that aren't even likely to happen. Take a breath and listen to me honey. You can do this. The whole family will be there to help you. No one goes it alone."_

"_Thanks Gram."_

"_You want to stay here the night?"_

"_Yes please."_

_They got up from the couch and went into the spare bedroom where Jane threw back the covers. _

"_We'll talk more in the morning, little one. For now, get some sleep."_

"_Thanks Gram. I love you."_

"_I love you too."_

_The door closed behind her and Lindsay kicked her shoes off and dropped her jeans on the floor before crawling into bed. Her hand splayed out over her stomach and she breathed deeply for several minutes, picturing what the baby looked like. It was probably curled up, small enough to fit in the palm of her hand, with a head disproportionately large for the tiny body. Organs were already working and developing and though it wouldn't be apparent by ultrasound, it was already showing outward signs of being a boy or a girl. _

"_Everything is going to be okay, baby. Mommy will make sure. It's all going to be just fine."_


	3. Chapter 3

_The next month brought a lot of tears and discussions and words like "future," "disappointment," and "responsibility." Her parents came around after a week or two and while they weren't overjoyed with the timing, they were happy to be grandparents again. Her brothers on the other hand, were not quite as enthusiastic. At first they'd wanted to kill Josh for not being there for her and the baby, but then they'd moved on to sheer disappointment in their baby sister. They couldn't understand why she wasn't going the adoption route and while she knew they would welcome this baby with open arms, she wasn't sure they would ever be as close to her as they once had been. _

_The loss of that was evident now as she sat in the waiting room of the doctor's office, alone. It shouldn't be like this. Firstly, Josh should be here. Not for her, he didn't need to support her. But he should want to know about his baby, should at least be wondering if it was a boy or a girl, should be looking forward to meeting his child. As it stood, he ignored all her phone calls, avoided her when they happened to cross paths, and basically stuck to his word that he wanted nothing to do with this whole "thing." A few mutual friends had mentioned to her that Josh was denying he was even the father. At first that had hurt deeply, making her question herself and what she looked like to everyone else. But she'd started coming around to the idea of being a single mother, absolutely. This way she didn't have to share. She didn't have to make decisions with anyone else. She didn't have to worry about visitation or the drama that comes with all those things. She could just concentrate on being a mom._

_The whomp-whomp of the heartbeat was familiar now, she'd heard it a few times on ultrasounds and she'd held a stethoscope up to her belly a few times too, but it never got old. The black and white blob on the screen made her smile and it was a long time of measurements before the technician was ready to reveal exactly what was in there. _

"_So do you have names picked out yet?" she asked, moving the wand into a better position._

"_Garrett Dale for a boy, and Ruby Elizabeth for a girl. Or Violet. Or maybe Morgan. Or maybe I'll change my mind seven more times."_

"_Well do you want to know what name you're usin'?"_

"_Yes please."_

"_It looks like you're going to have a little Ruby or Violet or Morgan or something else."_

"_Really? I was hoping it would be a girl. We've got too many boys in our family."_

"_Are you excited?"_

"_Getting there. Mostly nervous."_

"_About delivery or what comes after?"_

"_After. I haven't thought about delivery yet and I think I'll put that off for a while longer."_

"_Just make sure you think about it soon. You should start signing up for birthing classes."_

"_Pregnancy isn't very dignified is it?"_

"_In most instances, no."_

_Lindsay chuckled and sat up, fixing her shirt while the pictures printed out for her. _

"_There you go, one half cooked little girl, just for you."_

"_Thanks."_

"_Good luck with everything."_

_Lindsay nodded and slipped into her coat before heading out of the office and to her car. School was out for winter break and she had the day off from work, so she was free to spend the rest of the day picking out baby girl clothes and letting the reality of how much money this was going to cost hit her. Grabbing her phone she dialed her grandmas number waiting for a few minutes until she picked up. _

"_Hello sweetie, how was your appointment?"_

"_It was good. Everything's normal and in the right spot."_

"_Oh good."_

"_Do you want to go shopping with me? Not for very long, I just want to buy one outfit."_

"_Absolutely."_

"_I'll come pick you up in fifteen minutes."_

"_I'll be waiting."_

_She hung up the phone and looked at herself in the rearview mirror. Life was changing so fast that she could hardly keep up and she wondered if it would ever slow down again._

* * *

"So how long until you'll be here?" Lindsay asked, pacing across the kitchen and cracking her toes against the floor.

"About three hours hon."

"I hate flight delays, you know?"

"I know. Do you want to meet us at the airport or at Freddie's?"

"I don't know. Are you sure you and mom want to stay with Freddie? There's not a ton of room here but I'd still like to have you stay."

"No thanks honey. You girls need a night in your new place together. Your mom and I will meet you in the morning and we'll go the tourist thing if you still want to."

"Okay."

"We're getting on the plane hon. I'll call you as soon as we land."

"I love you daddy."

"I love you too."

She ended the call and set the phone on the counter for a moment, before picking it up and putting it on the coffee table in the living room instead, then coming into the kitchen to wipe down the counter one more time. She wanted everything to be perfect, needed it to be perfect; not for anyone else but for herself, because she was still having horrible doubts that this wasn't going to work.

The same thoughts had surfaced while she was pregnant, worries about failing and losing all her support, dwelling on the fact that it wasn't just her anymore, she had a mouth to feed, a child to raise, a life to live. The weight of it had been so much at that point that she forced herself to ignore it, and she'd kept ignoring it right until this day. She'd always just said that failure wasn't an option, but yet here she was figuring that failure was the only outcome.

She was nauseous from the thought of it and she wrapped her arms around herself, leaning forward and breathing deeply. There was no reason to be this scared, really. She'd been a mother for so long, she had it down, she had a plan. But to do it alone, without her family for support was really starting to scare her. They'd been there for her despite their initial misgivings and there was no way she could have raised her daughter without them. And now they were going to be all the way across the country and she would have no one to fall back on.

Her phone rang and she looked at the screen, wondering for a moment if she was in any shape to answer, but deciding this would be a good distraction.

"Hey Adam. What's up?"

"I was going to the arcade, I thought you might want to go, prove your Frogger prowess."

"Um, maybe, when are you going?"

"Right now. I'm not staying very long."

"I've got some time to kill, I'll meet you there."

"Sweet. I'll be there in about ten minutes."

"Okay, sounds good."

They hung up and she pulled her shoes on, glad she'd answered the phone. Adam had a way of making her forget worries, and making her laugh instead. It was nice to have someone that she could possibly count as a friend, even if they were just co-workers as it stood now.

Making sure she had her phone, keys, and a stack of quarters, she headed outside and down the street, breathing in the early autumn air. She had a car, but she'd barely driven it, finding more satisfaction in walking. Of course, once she had to run to school and daycare and work in a smaller time frame, she was going to have to start driving and finding back ways to get places. She had a feeling she was going to be crunched for time a lot.

"Hey, I grabbed us a machine," Adam said as she stepped into the arcade. They'd ended up here a few times after work, de-stressing over old video games. Adam was a lot more competitive than she'd originally thought and the feeling of satisfaction she got when she beat him was better than beating anyone else.  
"I've got quarters enough for a while if I want clean clothes later in the week."

"Quarters are like the precious elixir of survival."

"You're not dramatic at all."

He chuckled and led her over to the Frogger machine and put a quarter in, then stepping back to let her have the first turn.

"Let me show you how this is done, Bilbo."

"Baggins?"

"Sure."

"Why?"

"I dunno."

He chuckled and watched her play for a moment, shaking her head and telling her she was doing it wrong, and basically trying to psych her out. It wasn't working.

"So who taught you to be the queen of Frogger?"

"My brothers. They're a lot older and didn't exactly love that they had to take care of me all summer, so the arcade became my babysitter. We'd spend hours there every day. I earned an ice-cream sundae for every high score I beat. That was also the summer of my very first cavity, come to think of it."

He chuckled as she beat the level and handed the game over to him.

"How many brothers?"

"Three. Big burly ones."

"Slightly protective of their baby sister?"

"A lot. Though they're not shy about telling me all the things I do wrong."

"That's kind of what big brothers are for."

"They spend more time giving me swirlies and wet willies than they do in judgment so I guess it's okay."

"Big brothers have to keep the underlings in their place."

"You're an older brother aren't you?"

"Yeah. My brother Jeremy's ten years younger than me, so by the time he was old enough to get picked on, I was kind of over that stage, but that didn't stop me from giving him a hard time once he was a little older."

"I'm sure he loved that."

"Well he doesn't hate me so he must not have minded."

They continued to play for a while, trading off games until they were both out of quarters. Lindsay checked her watch and saw that it was getting close to the three hour mark and her dad would probably be calling soon.

"Want to go grab a pizza?" Adam asked, cracking his knuckles.

"I would but I gotta go."

"Big plans?"

"My parents are flying in, they should be here soon. They're bringing my daughter and I haven't seen her since I moved here, so yeah, kind of big plans."

"I didn't know you had a kid."

"Yeah. She's five. She's been staying with my parents while I got settled, but now it's going to be just us. Kinda scary."

"I take it her dad isn't around much?"

"Or ever. He bailed pretty much immediately."

"Awesome dude."

"Yeah, I think so too. I should go, but thanks for being such a sucky Frogger player."

"This ain't over yet, Monroe."

"Holding you to that, Ross."

* * *

The drive to her uncle's house seemed to take years and she probably cursed out every other driver for going too slowly. She knew that an extra few minutes were nothing in the grand scheme of things but she really didn't want to waste much more time without her daughter.

She pulled into the driveway and shut the car off, glad they'd decided to meet here instead of at the airport. It would have been crowded and noisy and she wasn't much in the mood for dealing with the general population right now.

The screen door slammed shut behind her and before she could even greet her parents or her uncle, a tiny set of feet pounded down the stairs.

"Mama! Oh my lord!"

Lindsay laughed and knelt down to catch her daughter in her arms, holding her tighter than she'd ever held her before.

"Oh baby I missed you so much. Can I just hold you forever and ever and ever?"

"Yes! I missed you so much too! And I've grown. Grama had to get me new shoes because my feet are so long!"

"Let me look at you, sweetie girl."

"I'm still pretty, mama."

Lindsay chuckled and looked at her little girl, the deep, dark eyes, the coffee colored hair, the summer freckles still going strong across her nose. Just as she'd left her and yet somehow more grown up.

"I want to see our new place," she started, rubbing at her eyes. "Can we go there now?"

"In a while. I haven't even said hi to grandma and grandpa."

"I just wanna be with you all day long."

"We still have the rest of forever."

"Okay. Hug me bigger."

"Oh honey, I love you so, so much."

"Me too. Can we go be polite for just a little while and then finally can you show me our new place?"

"Okay, for just a little while. Maybe through dinner?"

"Well okay. I'm real tired. Can I sleep with you tonight?"

"Anything you want, Levi."

"Could we have popcorn?"

"Probably."

"And a dance party?"

"Sure."

"I love that we are back together."

"Me too. I've missed you way, way too much. So much that I could feel it from my heart all the way down to my pinkie toe."

"Mama you are so very silly."

"I know. C'mere and let me smooch ya some more."

"More? Okay. I will smooch you back!"

They didn't stay very much longer, both were too anxious to get home and be together like normal. Lindsay was so happy to have her little girl with her again that she could hardly buckle their seatbelts.

"Hey mama, where are the farms?"

"Remember how we talked about New York being a city and not having farms in it?"

"But where do they get their milk? And wheat for bread and eggs and stuff?"

"Mostly at the grocery store."

"Hmm. And what about the mountains? I don't see no mountains."

"Any mountains. They're far, far away from the city."

"I'm not sure about this. Where is the beautifulness?"

"We'll find it. One morning we will wake up really early, and we'll go watch the sunrise and I'll show you the beautifulness."

"Okay. What is our new place like? Is it big?"

"No, it's about the same size as our old one."

"Does it have a fireplace like what I asked for?"

"No, but it has a mailbox that you open with a key."

"Oh goody! What about my room? What does it look like?"

"You're going to have to wait and see. It's a surprise."

"And can we get a kitty? Mama, you said, you promised me that we could get another one!"

"We're going to have to wait and see. Let's get all settled with life and then we'll think about a kitty."

"Maybe at Christmas time?"

"Okay, we'll make a decision at Christmas time."

"Cool. Mama, what's my school like?"

"We'll go there on Monday so you can see it."

"What's today?"

"Saturday."

"What will we do tomorrow?"

"We're going to spend the day with grandma and grandpa."

There was silence from the back seat and Lindsay peeked into the rearview mirror, wondering if the quiet was borne of contemplation or unhappiness.

"What's the matter, turkey leg?"

"I just…mama, I wanted just you. I love grama and grampa, but I miss you so, so much! We're a team, you and me."

"I know that baby," Lindsay soothed, glancing in the mirror again, finding those dark brown eyes swimming with tears. "Why don't we spend the morning together and we can meet up with grandma and grandpa for lunch. Would that be a good compromise?"

"Yes."

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

"Mama, Uncle Jake says that you will work and I will go to school and daycare. But I don't want to do that! Daycare is scary!"

"I know you feel scared about it honey. But it will be okay. We'll talk about it some more later, okay?"

"I just missed you so much," Levi hiccupped. "And you will work lots and I will be with someone else and I won't see you. And you're my favorite, mama!"

Lindsay sighed and switched lanes quickly before answering.

"You're my favorite too honey. And if I could spend all day long with you, I would do that. But remember how we talked about this being an adventure, and adventures being tough sometimes?"

"And cowgirls don't cry."

"That's right. Cowgirls team up and get through it. Are you gonna be my partner, baby?"

"Yes mama, forever and always!"

"Okay. Thank you. I can't do this without you and it means a lot that you'll help me."

"I will be real brave and I'll try new things like daycare."

"And we'll have whole weekends together, just you and me. Does that sound good?"

"It sounds beautiful."

"I promise honey, no matter what happens, at least we'll be together."

"Okay, I feel better. And my legs feel like they want to kick really fast from being excited!"

"Now that's what I like to hear."

"Know what I like to hear mama? Know what?"

"What do you like to hear, Levi?"

"Time for ice-cream!"

* * *

After running around the apartment three times, checking all the cupboards to evaluate the food situation and jumping on both beds and the couch for fifteen minutes, Lindsay finally coaxed her daughter down from her excitement and into a warm bath. She was running on fumes, what with the time difference, jet lag, and the emotions of the day and she needed a lot of time to calm down or she would never sleep.

"Mama?" she asked softly as Lindsay washed her hair.

"Yeah?"

"Will I have friends?"

"I'm sure you will."

"How 'bout you? You got friends? Like at home how you have Audrey?"

"I don't know if there will ever be another Audrey. I don't think anyone else would do the chicken dance just to make you laugh. But yeah, I have some friends at work. Does that count?"

"Well… okay I guess. Gonna rinse me now?"

"Lean back. Niagara Falls!"

Levi shivered then reached up to scrub at her eyes.

"Ow it stings!"

"Well you didn't stay leaned back long enough baby. Here, wipe your eyes."

"Whew. I forgot how you do this. Grama does it different."

"Does she do it better?"

"I don't know."

"Okay, let's get you dried off and dressed."

Levi nodded and yawned.

"Will you do my hair in Laura braids?"

"Sure," Lindsay agreed, leading her into the smaller bedroom. "Pick out some jammies and I'll get your brush."

Levi opened a dresser drawer and absentmindedly tugged at her ear while she searched for just the right nightgown. She settled on a blue one, pulling it over her head as Lindsay came back into the room with a brush.

"I need to look at this," Levi said, pulling out the child style, laminated map of New York City that she had looked at so many times. "About where- ouch, a tangle!"

"Sorry baby. It's all out now. What were you asking?"

"About where do we live?"

"Right there. About."

"Hmm. And about where do you work?"

"Right there," Lindsay replied again, starting one braid, finding her hands a little out of practice. She struggled with keeping the braid nice and neat, but figured that no one was going to see it anyway.

"So if you are there all day… where will I be?"

"Oh honey, it won't be far."

"I'm just scared!"

"I know. I'm scared too. But when the day ends, you and I will be together. I will always, always come back for you and I will always want you with me."

"I know."

"Baby, you are growing up so fast, and you have so many new adventures coming up. You get to start kindergarten soon! That's a huge step in growing up. And going to daycare and making new friends might be scary, but think about all the different kinds of people you'll meet. You'll meet people here that you would never have met in Montana. Your life is going to be so much richer, honey. Believe me."

"I believe you mama. You don't lie."

"Are you ready for our adventure?"

"Yes mama, I am."

"That's my girl. Now, let's get you all snuggled down in your bed, nice and warm."

"I never had my own room before," Levi mused with a sigh as she squished her pillow into a comfortable position. "This feels strange."

"It's another part of growing up. You didn't want to share with me forever, did you?"

"Maybe a little. I love this room really a lot. But if I have a bad dream, could I come and sleep in your bed?"

"Sure. Ready to say your prayers?"

"Yes. Dear God, thank you for my beautiful mama that loves me, and for grama and grampa who take care of me, and for the rest of the family too. Thank you for food and clothes. Please help me save my pennies to help the hungry people, and keep the soldiers safe. And thank you for the elk in the woods. Amen."

"Goodnight baby girl. I love you."

"I love you too, mama."

"Sleep good."

Lindsay sat by the bed a little longer than she intended, staring at her daughter, watching the rise and fall of her chest, vowing that no matter how much they had to be apart, every day she would take time for these quiet moments.

* * *

_Everything was too much. Being pregnant and finishing her sophomore year of college while preparing to be a single mother was hard enough. Being told to take it easy, to not leave town and to stay in bed as much as possible because she was already having labor pains was frustrating. She didn't know how much more she could take, and she knew that the stress wasn't healthy. _

_Her grandmother's passing had been very sudden and unexpected. One day she was there and the next day she wasn't. Lindsay stayed in bed for two days, crying and wishing for her grandmother back, wishing that harder than she'd ever wished for anything in her life. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that her beloved grandmother was gone, forever. It took her that long to realize that now she wouldn't have any help with the baby either. She didn't know what she was going to do._

_She managed to get back to school for a few days to take her finals and even though she didn't feel like she could make it, she attended the memorial service as well. The graveside service would be taking place the next afternoon in Glasgow, almost seven hours away. Her doctor had advised her not to go because she could go into labor at any moment and it wasn't a good idea for her to be so far from the hospital. _

_It was wise advice because around noon on the day of the service, while everyone in her family was so far away, she went into intense labor. She drove herself to the hospital, stubbornly and by the time she made it there she had already progressed far enough that even if her parents drove straight through and made excellent time, there was no way they would be here for the birth. She thought about calling Audrey, but she was working about an hour away at a boy scout camp and would more than likely not be able to get away. It looked like she was going to do this all on her own._

_Everything over the last few weeks was sinking in on her and it felt like she couldn't breathe. The contractions were awful and she couldn't concentrate on her breathing and she felt like she was failing horribly at this. She needed support now more than ever, and she was more alone than she ever had been._

_She was only at the hospital for five hours before it was time to push and then it was only twenty more minutes before her daughter was born. The whole world seemed to stop as the tiny wailing baby was placed onto her chest and she felt a wave of motherness that she hadn't felt before. _

"_Hi honey," she squeaked, not even able to take in the tiny details as she met her daughter for the first time. "I'm so glad you're here."_

_She breathed in deeply as the baby was taken from her and quickly bathed and swaddled. _

"_There, much sweeter now," the nurse said, helping her to sit up a little. "Does she have a name?"_

"_She did. I think I changed my mind."_

"_Oh really?"_

"_What I had picked out really doesn't seem right anymore. I think I'm going to name her after my grandma. Levitica Jane."_

"_I've never heard that name before. It's cute."_

"_Levi for short I think. Yeah, do you like that, honey?"_

"_I think she's down with it."_

_Lindsay chuckled and looked at her daughter closer, taking in every delicate feature, every inch of soft skin and the idea of her entirely, two people belonging solely to each other. They were a unit now, just as they always had been, but it was so much more real now. _

"_Did you want to call your parents again?"_

"_Yeah. In a few minutes."_

"_What about the father?"_

"_No, he asked me not to."_

_The nurse clucked her tongue in disapproval and patted Lindsay's hand gently. _

"_Well his loss then. Can I get you anything to eat?"_

"_I don't know. I just… is it normal to feel like nothing else matters? Laying here all exposed and disgusting really doesn't bother me."_

"_I think that's the general consensus of new mommies. I'll let you two get to know each other, and I'll be right over here if you need anything okay?"_

"_Thank you."_

_The nurse moved quietly away and Lindsay glanced at the clock, seeing that the first hour of her daughter's life had already gone so fast and she'd barely noticed the passage of time._

"_Oh sweetheart, this is going to be quite the adventure."_

_Levi didn't stir, just kept right on sleeping, content and happy where she was._

"_I will do anything for you, darling. Anything. I love you."_


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey Montana, you good?" Danny asked, tossing a file onto the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. "You don't seem your normal self today."

"Bad morning. I'm okay," she replied, still looking through the microscope. "Trace you found on the vic is sawdust, particularly dogwood."

"That was fast."

"I could tell by the smell, GCMS confirmed. The duct tape isn't a match to anything in the house so it was either brought in with him or he took it out when he was done."

"That doesn't give me much. How about that grease stain from the carpet?"

"Haven't gotten there yet, but it doesn't look fresh to me. Might not be anything to do with the murder, but I'll run it as soon as I finish this."

"Hey Lindsay how'd the…" Adam trailed off, coming into the room. "I mean, how's it going?"

"I'm busy, you want to help?"

"Sure."

He grabbed a few bags of evidence from the box and headed over to his microscope while Danny looked at him with a furrowed brow, then sighed.

"Anyway, I gotta get back out there, Flack's canvassing the neighborhood. I'd ask you to come help but… I guess I've swamped you."

"That's okay, I'm good here. Go."

He stayed for just a second longer than necessary, feeling guilty for leaving her in the lab while he got to go out into the field, but deciding that if she was upset about it he could deal with it later.

"So um… I was going to ask how the big kindergarten drop-off went this morning," Adam asked after a few minutes, glancing around the room. "But I wasn't sure who knew about that particular aspect of your life."

"Just you. And Mac, but I think he has too much going on to remember things like that."

"You haven't told anyone that you have a kid at home?"

"No. It's not some huge secret but… anyway, no one knows."

"Oh. So how was the drop-off this morning?"

"Well," Lindsay sighed, making a few notes in the file. "Levi was excited all morning and then we got to the school and she suddenly freaked out and wouldn't stop crying and hanging on me and begging me not to leave her."

"Uh-oh."

"It was awful. I seriously considered taking her home but I had to come to work, so she had to suck it up."

"Think she'll be okay?"

"I have no idea. I've never left her anywhere before except with my family. She's been here two days and I abandoned her. She's going to hate me so much."

"She's not going to hate you. Kids are resilient."

"I just keep thinking that if we can get through this day and get to the weekend, everything will be okay."

"Where's she going after school?"

"Daycare. That will be better, she spent a few hours there yesterday and she loved it so hopefully she'll be okay."

He nodded and glanced over at her, shaking his head.

"You want to go get her right now, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"She's probably having fun by now. Got distracted by something and when you pick her up tonight she'll tell you all about it and she'll be really excited to go back."

"You're such an optimist. And thank you, that's what I'm hoping for."

He gave her a smile, wanting to ask more but knowing it wasn't his place.

"So, what do we got here?"

"Various and sundry," Lindsay drawled with a sigh. "The victim was found under the bridge, so there's lots of garbage we have to go through, even though it probably has nothing to do with the murder. Body was wrapped in carpet that looks only slightly worn so were guessing someone threw it out during a home renovation or something. There's a grease stain on it, but other than that, it's pretty clean. That box over there is the vic's clothes, and I've already gone through that but it remains without much context until the morgue makes an ID."

"Awesome."

"There was a bunch of stuff in the vic's pocket, nothing really important except for a flash drive, but that was blank."

"Maybe at some point it wasn't. Mind if I fiddle with it and see what I can find?"

"Go for it."

He found the flash drive and took it over to the computer, starting the process to recover lost files while Lindsay sifted through the remaining bags of evidence until her eyes were burning and she was certain that she had permanent microscope lines around her eyes.

"And we've got a flash drive that has never been used, despite my best efforts to prove the opposite," Adam announced, rubbing his neck. "It might as well be right out of the package."

"Worth a shot I guess."

"A little hard work never hurt anyone. Except John Henry of course."

"John Henry… was that the one that was born with a hammer in his hand?"

"An American Thor."

"And his heart exploded right?"

"You got it."

"I was more of a Johnny Appleseed fan myself."

"Yeah, he was much more green than the rest of our American heroes."

Lindsay chuckled and resealed a bag, moving the finished box away so she could start on the next one.

"Why don't you take five minutes and go call the daycare? It'll make you feel better."

"No, I don't want to be that mom."

"What, one that cares about her kid?"

"No, one that hovers. I need to trust them that if she's still upset they'll call me."

"This is really hard for you."

"Yes it is. But I only have three hours of work left and then I don't have to worry about it again until tomorrow morning."

"Optimist."

"I do my best. So can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How did you end up here?"

He gave a soft chuckle and shook his head.

"That's a long story, but the short part is after I finished college, I came here for grad school and I just kind of stayed."

"Why'd you decide on this job?"

He was quiet thinking over the question in his head before he answered.

"My dad said my video-gaming would never amount to anything, and I wanted to prove him wrong. I started out just wanting to be a tech guy for a big company and over the years it evolved into this. He hasn't said anything about my future in years. It's been quiet."

"Dad's pretty hard on you?"

"Yeah."

"You resent that?"

"Sometimes, if I stop and think about it. I usually don't think about it. I guess that him being rough on me forced me to make more of myself, so I can't complain about it too much."

"Maybe."

They continued on in silence for quite awhile, until everything had been tested, all the reports had been printed and everything had been catalogued and put away.

"What time is it?"

"Five-fifteen."

"Yeah, I'm outta here."

He laughed and gave her a wave as she left the lab, grinning from ear to ear. She'd been waiting to clock out since the moment she clocked in and very quickly she pushed thoughts of returning to work in the morning out of her mind.

* * *

"Mama!" Levi laughed, running across the room and throwing her arms around Lindsay's neck. "Oh how I love you!"

"I love you too. Did you have a good day?"

"Uh-huh, uh-huh, let's go home and eat dinner, did you know that I hold my pencil wrong? Can we have sausage and sauerkraut for dinner because I like that. Recess was real fun mama. And my teacher told me I can't get out of my seat all the time. And I met a girl at daycare named Molly and we had so much fun playing house and pirates! And I stopped crying after you left and my teacher is so nice mama and can I get a puppy yet?"

"Honey, slow down," Lindsay said with a smile, taking Levi's face in her hands. "One moment at a time."

Levi took a deep breath and licked her lips, organizing her thoughts.

"I missed you so much mama."

"I missed you too."

"I like school and daycare. There's lots of friends to make. Are you proud of me?"

"I'm very proud of you. Go get your things and we can go home."

Levi took off across the room again and Lindsay signed her out, holding a brief conversation with the provider about how her daughter had done. For her first day with so many new things and situations, the report was better than expected, which made Lindsay forget a lot of the worry she'd had early this morning.

"Levi, I thought I told you to get your things."

"Oh. You did. I got distracted," Levi explained from the Play-doh table, dropping her head in shame.

"Distracted is okay, now it's time to fix the mistake."

"Yes mama."

"Go get your things, darling."

Levi nodded and whispered to herself, walking across the room to get her backpack and coat before coming back with a grin on her face.

"I did it. Now can we go home?"

"Yes, lets go."

Hand in hand they walked to the car, Levi chattering the entire way. Oftentimes her words tumbled out in half finished sentences as she thought of something else to say, like her brain was running way too fast for her mouth. She'd been like this since she could talk and it always took a few gentle reminders to live in the moment and corral her thoughts so she could be understood. Lindsay was used to it and she could muddle through most of it, but it was becoming increasingly evident that her excitability wasn't as easily understood by everyone else. She didn't want labels on her little girl, but ADHD always loomed overhead.

"What are we doing after dinner?"

"I thought we'd go to the park so you could run off some energy and get some fresh air. Is that a good idea?"

"Yep! I'd like to play on the slide. And could I please sleep with you tonight?"

"Sweetheart, it's time to be a big girl."

Levi let out a frustrated whine and started to cry, scrubbing at her eyes and tensing her legs up.

"But I don't like my bed! I want to sleep with you!"

"Levi, stop crying so I can talk to you."

"Okay," she sniffled, wiping her nose.

"I know that you have always slept in my bed with me, but that was because you didn't have a bedroom in our old place, and now that you do, it's time to sleep in your own space. It's just an adjustment, and I know it's hard, but I need you to try like a big girl."

"But I love you!"

"I love you too, Levi. I'm not telling you this because I don't love you honey. But both of us are going to sleep better if we have our own space."

"Not me! I will wake up in the night and you won't be there and I will be scared and sad!"

Lindsay sighed and parked the car, internally waffling on her decision. Levi was going through so many huge changes right now, maybe it was cruel to take away one of her main comforts at the same time.

"Okay sweetie. Let's go inside and I'll hear your case."

Levi nodded in agreement and they went inside, putting their jackets and shoes by the door before sitting down on the couch.

"Alright. Now tell me what you would like for me to do."

"I would like to sleep in your bed with you."

"And why is that?"

"Because I don't like to be scared by myself. I like your bed because it's cozy and you give me snuggles and I don't have to be by myself and alone."

"Okay, come over here in my lap for a minute."

Levi smiled and crawled into Lindsay's lap, sitting there contentedly for a few moments.

"First of all, I want you to remember that you are never alone. Sometimes we might be apart, but I am always there for you because we're a team."

"I know mama. But at night when it is dark, I don't want to be apart."

"I understand why you're upset. Why don't we make a compromise? You may sleep in my bed with me for a few more weeks until we both get used to living here and everything being different. Would that be okay?"

"Yes, and then I will be so big I will have to sleep in my own bed!"

"That's my little optimist. So, is this a decision we can both live with?"

"Yeah, I can do that. But one question?"

"Of course."

"After I sleep in my own bed, if I have scary dreams, I can come climb in with you right?"

"Of course."

"Okay, then I am ready to agree."

They shook hands and Levi smiled.

"I'm glad we had a talk."

"Me too. Now, what should I make for dinner? Still want sausage and-"

"Spaghetti! Can we have spaghetti please?"

"Sure. While I'm cooking that, I need you to do your chore, okay?"

"Put my clothes away, got it! I will focus!"

Levi jumped off the couch and ran into her bedroom while Lindsay sighed, feeling that she had dodged a bullet. Patience had always been her co-parent but when she was stressed out, that support seemed to be very far away. It was hard to worry alone and sometimes she had to sit down with her list of parenting goals and go over them again, picking her battles and her arsenal carefully so she could get the result she wanted. Balance was hard, wisdom was hard, and carrying the entire burden of parenting on her own shoulders was hard.

"I did it, mama! I put them all away! Hey, aren't you making dinner?"

"Yes, I'm getting up. I just can't seem to get started!"

Levi laughed and grabbed Lindsay's hands, pulling with all her might until Lindsay finally stood from the couch.

"Thank you so much, I would have been stuck there forever."

"Our couch is quicksand?"

"Oh yes, and it eats sluggish people."

Levi laughed and grabbed her coloring book from the shelf, taking it to the kitchen table so she could color while Lindsay cooked.

"Hey mama?"

"Yes sweetie?"

"I love you a lot and I am happy we're together again."

"Me too. There is no place I'd rather be."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks to everyone for following along! I appreciate it!

* * *

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and the sun began to sink lower in the sky sooner and sooner. Lindsay had found a rhythm at work, rarely socializing much more than staying a few minutes late at work. She'd never been much for that kind of thing anyway, spending time with Levi was much more important to her. And seeing as they only got a few hours together before bedtime each night, every moment was precious.

Levi loved daycare and had made several friends that she looked forward to playing with, even on the weekends. There was nothing but good reports from the caretakers and some of Levi's extra energy had started to wane, so by bedtime she was much calmer than normal. School was still touch-and-go, some days she didn't mind going, but other days she whined and complained, refusing to get out of bed, refusing to get dressed, then crying gigantic tears when Lindsay dropped her off. Those days were difficult and hard, and they made Lindsay question for the thousandth time if moving here and ripping her little girl away from everything she'd ever known was really the best idea. Days like that ended quietly, reading books in bed together before Levi fell asleep, cuddled up with her special stuffed animals and Lindsay lay awake, running every decision she'd ever made over and over in her head until she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore.

Today would be different though. Today they would spend hours upon hours together, breathing in the fresh air, doing some early Christmas shopping, spending a little extra money to eat at a restaurant, and ending the day with hot chocolate and another viewing of _Anne of Green Gables_. Levi had been looking forward to it for a long time and she'd woken up bright and early this morning, jumping up and down on the bed until Lindsay finally woke up, pulling Levi down and tickling her until they were both out of breath.

"Mama, it's not too cold to go to the park today right?"

"Not if you wear a jacket."

"Okay! Will you play with me there? Please?"

"If it's not too crowded."

"Can we leave now?"

"No, it's too early," Lindsay answered with a yawn, stretching and pulling the covers up again, almost over her head. Levi sighed and pulled the covers back again, pressing her nose to Lindsay's and smiling widely.

"Tell me a story."

"What story?"

"Tell me about when I was in your tummy! About how I kicked your insides and kept you awake."

"Well, a long time ago when you were still in my belly, you used to kick my insides and keep me awake."

"And what else?"

"Sometimes I would drink really cold water and you would start dancing. And sometimes if I put my hand on my belly and took lots of deep breaths, you would push both of your feet against my hand and we would stay that way for a long time."

"Tell me about when I was a baby."

"From the minute you were born, you have made me so happy. I didn't even know what happy was until I saw you for the first time. You were so tiny and pretty and you were all mine. You were so sweet and happy and you hardly ever cried."

"Except at bedtime at night."

"That's right. You cried and cried at night."

"And you would hold me and cry too because you were tired and you didn't want me to be unhappy. And then we would fall asleep when the sun came up."

"Yeah."

"And you loved every moment of it because it was with me, right?"

"Yes. I love everything when I'm with you."

"Hey, me too! We should be best friends, mama!"

"How 'bout we're soul mates? Would that work?"

"Maybe. What about bosom friends like Anne and Diana?"

"Okay, that sounds good," Lindsay chuckled.

Levi smiled and snuggled down into the blankets, her thumb sliding into her mouth while she reached up and ran her fingers back and forth against Lindsay's collarbone.

"No thumb, honey," Lindsay reminded half-heartedly. Levi had a lot of different things she did to soothe herself, and she was a little too old to be sucking her thumb, but Lindsay wasn't too worried about it since her thumb usually just lay limp in her mouth and wouldn't mess up her teeth.

Levi ignored the admonishment, sighing to herself and snuggling down farther in the bed, her eyelids getting heavy.

"Guess it was a little early to wake up huh?"

"Yeah. We'll go to the park later right?"

"Right. Have a little sleep so you're ready."

"Rub my ear mama. So I can sleep."

Lindsay obeyed and held her a little closer, kissing her forehead and wondering how in the world she'd ever gotten so lucky.

* * *

"Look at me, I can do monkey bars all by myself!" Levi hollered, swinging from the bar while her hair blew in the chilly breeze.

"Good job sweetie."

Levi dropped from the bars and ran over to the bench where Lindsay sat with a cup of coffee.

"Mama, come play with me!"

"It's too crowded honey, there's not enough room for adults with all those kids."

"That daddy is playing," Levi rebutted softly, pointing across the playground and dropping her head. Lindsay could see the emotional wheels turning and she knew they needed a change of scenery soon or Levi was going to be upset all day long.

"Hey baby, want to go shopping now?"

"Yeah, okay." Lindsay took her hand and they walked slowly out of the park together, stopping a few times to comment on the color of the leaves on the trees and whether or not they would get to jump in a few piles or not. Levi seemed to perk up the further away from the park they got and by the time they reached the first store, she was skipping happily along and smiling.

"Hey mama your phone's ringing."

"I know honey. Thanks for the update," Lindsay chuckled, finally finding the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey it's Adam."

"Hi, what's up?"

"I know you're off today and you probably have a whole thing planned, but I'm taking my cousin to see a movie and I thought you guys might want to go with us."

"Um… maybe. Just a sec. Levi, do you want to go Christmas shopping or to the movies?"

"Oh to the movies of course! Oh yes please!"

"Looks like we'll join you. What time?"

"About half an hour or so?"

"I think we can do that. See you in a bit."

She tucked her phone back into her pocket while Levi spun in a delighted circle on the sidewalk, clapping her hands together.

"We never go to the movies! I'm so happy! Can I have some candy?"

"No candy, but we can share a popcorn."

"Okay! Who was on the phone? Are they going too?"

"It was my friend Adam from work."

"Oh, the one that likes video games?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, that will be fun. Can we still watch a movie later tonight?"

"Sure, why not?"

"I just love the weekends very much!"

"I'm glad you're happy," Lindsay laughed, taking her hand and hailing a cab so they could make it to the theater. "We should probably go over some movie theater rules though."

"Okay! Like what?"

"Well the most important thing that you must remember above all else is to have fun."

Levi giggled as a cab stopped in front of them and they climbed in. Lindsay gave the driver the address of the theater that Adam had texted to her, then made sure Levi was buckled in well.

"I like when you tell me it's important to have fun because that means it is going to be a very super fun thing! What other rules?"

"When you go to see a movie you have to respect the other people in the theater and not get out of your seat or talk loudly."

"Like in church. I can do that! Anything else?"

"Stay close to me in the crowds. And I think that's it."

"This will be a day to remember."

Lindsay chuckled and tucked Levi's hair back, watching her watch the city fly by the window. Rediscovering the world through her daughters' eyes had been exciting, and now to watch her discover a whole different kind of world was even better.

They arrived at the theater with just a few minutes to spare, buying their tickets out front and heading inside to the concession area. Lindsay spotted Adam down at one end, crouched down and talking to his cousin who was looking very happy and pointing out all the things on the menu board she wanted. Adam had mentioned that she was in a wheelchair, but it had slipped Lindsay's mind until this moment.

"Oh hey Linds."

"Hey. Levi, this is my friend Adam."

"Hi, Mr. Adam," Levi said politely, sticking her hand out for him to shake. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too. Those are some manners you've got there."

"Yes, it is very important to make a good impression."

He chuckled and lifted his eyebrows at Lindsay who just shrugged.

"Levi, this is my cousin Gabby."

"Hi Gabby. It's nice to meet you too. Wow, your chair is the exact same color as Cinderella's blue dress!"

Gabby giggled and nodded shyly.

"Yeah, cousin Adam had it painted for me. Isn't it pretty?"

"Very pretty. Like your very own chariot. Are you getting popcorn? My mama said I could have popcorn."

"No, I am getting a pretzel with cheese. That's my favorite."

"Ooh, I've never had that before! Hey mama could I have a pretzel with cheese too?"

"Sure, but I am getting popcorn and you can't have any."

"Okay fine!"

They went up to the counter and ordered their food while the girls giggled together over the pink Gameboy that Gabby had with her.

"How old are you?" Levi asked suddenly.

"I'm seven."

"Oh, you're older than me! I'm only five but I will be six in a while."

"Which princess is your favorite?"

"Oh I like them all so much! I think that Snow White has the best songs and the prettiest voice. Also I know how she feels being around a bunch of boys all the time. And I like Belle because she has brown eyes like me. I also like Pocahontas because that's what my uncle Eli calls me all the time. Which one do you like best?"

"Ariel. Her legs didn't work so good either."

Levi nodded seriously.

"Maybe not but she still got to have a beautiful life!"

"Yep. Adam is it time for the movie yet?"

"Sure is. Keep your hands and arms inside the tram at all times!" he said, handing her the food, then leaning the chair back on two wheels and pushing her quickly towards the theater. She laughed loudly and Levi jogged along behind them giggling with her hand over her mouth.

"Mama, I was right, this will be a day to remember! I have a new friend!"

Lindsay chuckled and led Levi into the darkened theater where Adam was getting Gabby situated in a seat and folding up her wheelchair to stash out of the way.

"Levi, you sit on this side of me okay? And Adam will sit on the other side and your mom can sit on the other side of you."

"Okay! Come on mama! The commercials are on already!"

They all sat down together and the girls dug into their food, finishing it before the previews were over, then leaning forward in their seats in anticipation.

"Hey," Adam whispered loudly behind their heads, getting Lindsay's attention. "Think either one of them is going to have nightmares that the sky is falling?"

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head, remembering reading _Chicken Little_ when she was a kid and finding it so improbable that she could barely finish it. Hopefully the movie would be better, but she was almost certain that Levi would find it just as silly.

"I'm not sure. Levi wasn't even scared of the R.O.U.S's in _Princess Bride_, she just called them the Ridiculouses."

Adam laughed.

"She's really nothing like you at all, is she?"

"Not a speck."

* * *

"Can we look at my pictures before bed?" Levi yawned, pulling her nightgown over her head and pulling her hair out of the collar. "I haven't looked at them in so long."

"You go ahead sweetie. I need to finish up-"

"No mama, we look together! We always do!"

"Okay, go get them and we can sit on the couch and look for a few minutes."

Levi seemed happy with that answer and she ran into her bedroom, coming out a few minutes later with a small photo album. Jumping onto the couch, she opened it and grinned at the first picture.

"Mama, it's you and Audrey! This was the day you started college again."

"Yes it was."

"And you knew my Josh-dad back then and you were friends."

"We were boyfriend and girlfriend but we hadn't been for very long."

"I like this picture," she went on, turning the page. "Of you and Audrey and my Josh-dad and all your friends. You looked so happy and laugh-y. And I like that your hair is so blonde and pretty like a princess."

"I liked my hair like that too. Maybe I should do it that way again."

"No, I don't think so. Because it was before you were a mama."

"Oh, alright then."

"Hmm. This picture is sad. You and my Josh-dad are hugging each other and smiling. But then he didn't want us later. Why is that?"

Lindsay sighed and shook her head gently trying to think of a good answer. She'd always been able to avoid the question in the past, by turning the page or simply shrugging and saying she didn't know.

"Darlin', I think that Josh was afraid to be a dad. It's not an easy job, you know. I think he thought he would be bad at it and he thought it would be better for you and me if he just wasn't there, rather than being a bad dad."

"I would have forgived him," Levi sighed, looking at the picture closer. "What was he like mama?"

"I don't really want to talk about him today sweetie."

"But I want to know."

"I understand baby. It's just something I don't like talking about."

"Why? Does it make you sad? Do you miss him?"

"I don't miss him honey. But it does make me sad because the guy that I knew was a really, really good person and he would have been a good dad. I think that I met him too late though. I think he'd decided to not be that person anymore. I just can't help but think about what a good daddy he could have been. And it makes me sad that he never tried."

"Well, at least we have each other, mama!"

"Yeah, that's right. Gimme a kiss."

"It will be loud. Mm-wa!"

"Thank you. Now, time for bed."

"Are you gonna sleep now or come in later?"

"I'll come in later."

"Come tuck me."

Lindsay followed Levi into the bedroom, prompting her to say her prayers before tucking her in.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too baby. All comfy?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Have a rest and I'll be in later."

"Goodnight mama."

"'Night Levi."

She slipped from the room and went back out to the couch, picking up the photo album and sighing. She did her best to never say a bad word about Josh around Levi, just in case someday things changed. She would hate carrying the guilt around, that she had sabotaged whatever relationship they could have had. She didn't really want much of Josh's influence on Levi, but it would be nice for her daughter to know where she came from.

She looked intently at the photo of the two of them, both smiling and happy and young, herself with a hopeful spark in her eye, feeling twitterpated over the new relationship. She'd been so innocent and trusting back then, unable to think that people that happy could ever break up. How could anything ever get so bad when you were so happy and alive? Much time had been spent in the after, mulling that over in her head, replaying all the moments again and again, looking for an indication in him of dissatisfaction. She'd never been able to find it.

* * *

"_Hey there pretty lady. You waitin' for me?"_

_Lindsay smiled and tucked her blonde hair behind her ear before pushing off the building and walking across to his car._

"_I'd better be waitin' for you or we have some problems."_

_Josh smiled and pulled her down to kiss her, making her stomach do flips until she had to grab onto the car to stay upright. _

"_Ready to go?" he asked, breaking the kiss._

"_Um… yeah."_

"_Well then get in the car."_

"_Oh yeah, that would be good huh?"_

_He chuckled at her and she walked around the car, sliding into the passengers seat and buckling her seatbelt before taking his hand. _

"_Maybe I'm dumb to ask this, but is there gonna be alcohol at this party?"_

"_Well… yeah."_

"_Oh. Okay."_

"_You don't have to drink if you don't want to."_

"_I know."_

"_I won't drink if you don't want me to either."_

"_I can't ask you to do that."_

"_Hey, no skin off my nose. I know you have… well, misgivings about it. If my girlfriend isn't going to drink, neither am I."_

"_You're sweet," she said, leaning across the car to kiss his cheek. "And you just earned some points."_

"_I did? How many am I up to know?"_

"_You're maxed out," she said matter-of-factly. He gave her a smile and turned the radio up as they drove through the neighborhood to the house where the party was being held. Parking down the road a little, he turned the car off and walked over to her side, opening the door and holding his hand out for her. _

"_So chivalrous," she giggled, taking his hand and stepping out of the car. He close the door behind her then pulled her close, sliding his arms around her waist and kissing her gently. _

"_You're beautiful."_

"_Thank you."_

"_Thanks for makin' me look a little better when I stand next to you."_

_She leaned up and kissed him, pulling him against her so they were pressed up tightly against the car. His hands clutched at her waist and she looped her arms around his neck, letting herself sink into the moment, enjoying her increased heart rate and the feeling of him so close._

"_We'd better get in there," he said after a while, catching his breath and smiling. "They might send out a search party."_

"_Okay. Should we put a pause on this for now?"_

_His brow furrowed for just a moment as he tucked her hair behind her ear. _

"_Do you mean what I think you mean?"_

"_Maybe," she replied, her voice sounding much more timid than she'd planned. "Maybe not. We'll see."_

"_You are somethin' else, Lindsay Monroe."_

"_Don't forget it."_


	6. Chapter 6

Apparently being told to put a coat on was the worst possible thing that could have happened to Levi in the morning, judging by her vehement protests against the order. She whined, she cried, she tried to hide the coat and she even threw a tantrum, kicking her feet against her bed when Lindsay finally fought her into the coat.

"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" she wailed, pulling at the sleeves. "It feels funny on my arms!"

"What feels funny about it?" Lindsay asked, slumping to the floor, exhausted from the fight.

"It sticks to my skin and I hate it so!"

"I'm sorry but it's the only coat you have and it's freezing outside."

"I want my old coat!"

"It's too small. We gave it away."

Levi burst into fresh tears, climbing into Lindsay's lap and cuddling close.

"I hate this place," she confessed. "I wish we never came here. It's so hard. I am sad and you are lonely. I want to go home!"

"Levi, we are home."

"But it's not happy!"

"Okay, let's take your coat off so we can talk about this."

Levi obeyed, wiping her eyes and tossing her coat across the room.

"I know you're sad, Levi. I know that you miss Montana and you miss grandma and grandpa and the rest of the family. I do too. I miss them more than you know."

"Then why don't we move back home?"

"Honey, think of all the things we get to do here that we don't get to do in Montana. We can go to the beach whenever we want to. We can go to the zoo, you've met a bunch of new people that you would never know in Montana. There will always be things that you miss, and that's okay."

"It doesn't feel like Christmas time."

"I know."

"I want to go see Christmas lights. And some reindeer! Can we do that here?"

"I'll find out."

"I really miss grandma and grandpa."

"I know. So do I."

"Are you lonely, mama? You seem lonely to me. Remember how you used to smile so, so much? We used to play more and now you are tired."

"Do you want me to be honest with you?"

"Yes."

"Being a mom is hard work," she started, resting her forehead against her daughters. "And that's not because you're a bad kid. Because you're not bad, you are the best kid in the world. But it's still a lot of work because I worry about you and if you're happy and if I can get you things you need. And I worry about you not having a dad and I hope you're learning and growing the way that you should be. And it's hard to worry about that all by myself. And I didn't realize how much grandma and grandpa helped me with that. A lot of times I wish that I had someone beside me, who loved me and you and would help me with all that stuff. Sometimes it would be nice if there was someone for me to talk to after you went to bed. And maybe someday I will find that person. But no matter how lonely I am or how hard some things are, I know that here is where we need to be."

Levi sniffled and blinked a few times, knowing Lindsay was right, but having a hard time making her heart see that.

"Sweetheart, we'll be alright. We'll always be together."

"Okay."

"I could lose everything in this world, but as long as I still had you, my life would be wonderful."

"I'm sorry I got upset mama."

"It's alright. I want you to always tell me how you feel, even if you think I might not like it. Okay?"

Levi nodded and curled into Lindsay's arms.

"This day isn't off to a good start."

"No it's not. Should we turn it around?"

Levi giggled and nodded enthusiastically as they got up off the floor and went out to the living room. There wasn't a lot of time, but they could make a quick turn-around before they would be late. Levi turned the music on and began to dance around the room happily, spinning in circles to the old song that they always used for rough mornings.

"Today we can't go back to Montana," she said after a moment. "So today will be a good day in New York instead. And when bad feelings are ruining my day, I will tell them to stop!"

"That's my girl."

"And how will you have a good day?"

"I will remember that after work I get to come home and spend the evening with my favorite person in the whole world."

"Now we need to have a breather. Lay down on the floor."

Lindsay chuckled to herself and obeyed.

"Breathe in and out real slow until your day has started all over. Feel better mama? I do."

"Me too. And I have a solution to your coat problem."

"You do?"

"Change into a long sleeve shirt and then you won't have to feel the coat sleeves on your skin."

"Okay! I will do that right now!"

She dashed off into her room and Lindsay sat up, leaning against the couch and keeping her eyes closed for a few minutes. She couldn't lie to herself, parenting would be a lot easier if she had a partner. Sometimes she wondered if she'd had too much pride and desire to prove everyone else wrong, that she'd taken on motherhood as a goal to be accomplished rather than something to be enjoyed. Not that she didn't enjoy it, but there was a little bit of her that always said she hadn't done it for the right reasons.

"I'm ready to go now mama. And we'll both have a very good day."

* * *

"Well if this isn't a great good morning, I don't know what is," Danny said, masking a gag with a fake sneeze. "My pops always said I was gonna catch a D.B. in a porta-potty someday, but I didn't think it would happen for real."

"I should have known it was gonna be bad when Mac offered me field hours," Adam agreed, stepping carefully around the scene and trying to decide where to begin.

"Hey, if you don't want the experience…"

"No boss, I just mean… I mean it's not bad… I just… well… uh…"

"So who was the poor unfortunate soul that found this other poor unfortunate soul?" Lindsay asked, snapping pictures of the scene, then stepping away to catch her breath.

"That'd be Daryl Roberts, works for the uh… maintenance company. Flack's interviewing him right now."

They made quick work of getting the scene documented and everything bagged up to take back to the lab, trying to be thorough despite their desire to get out of there as soon as possible. Desperate for cleanliness, they headed down to the locker rooms for quick showers before getting back to work.

Stella and Hawkes were already in layout, sorting through bags of dirty evidence, but not opening any just yet.

"So. Who wants to check out the wallet?" Stella asked, holding up the plastic bag.

"Well I personally think that those very important, case breaking things should be left up to someone in power, you know?" Danny suggested, pointing at Stella. "Just in case."

"No way."

"I'm too busy sorting through the rest of this stuff right now," Hawkes said, moving just a little further down the light table.

"I vote Lindsay," Adam suggested with a shrug.

"Me? Why me? Is this a new girl thing again?"

"No. I just figure, you have a kid and you grew up with cows, you should be used to this kind of stuff."

"First of all, my daughter has never done anything remotely this disgusting, and second of all, cow pies are totally different than… this."

"Still."

"I think you should deal with it," she shot back. "You're really good with trace."

"Flattery won't get you anywhere."

"Don't forget to double glove," Hawkes chuckled.

"I hate you guys," he muttered, shaking his head and starting in on the wallet. The rest of them dug through the boxes, trying to find the least messy bag to open, but in the end they all had to make some sacrifices.

"Didn't know you had a kid," Danny whispered, standing next to Lindsay while she cleaned off a ring of keys.

"Yep."

"Interesting."

"Yes, parenthood is highly fascinating," she answered absentmindedly, trying to make sure that any fingerprints on the keys would remain as intact as possible.

"So you don't talk about it?"

"It's my personal life, so no, not while I'm working. But since you've never taken no for an answer in your life, what do you want to know?"

He chuckled as she handed him the bottle of water so he could clean off whatever it was that was in his bag of evidence.

"I'm not one to pry."

"No, of course you're not."

She didn't mind talking about it, but she'd never wanted single motherhood to define her, especially in the eye of colleagues. She'd rather be known by them for the work she did, not the life she lead. And despite the fact that this was New York City and part of the reason she'd moved here was for acceptance, she still had the feeling that she was going to be judged for the way her life had turned out. It was a ridiculous fear and she knew it.

"How old is she?"

"Five."

"Her dad around?"

"Nope."

"Hmm."

He dropped the subject and she let out an inaudible sigh of relief. Maybe it was just that fact that she didn't know how to talk about it that made it so uncomfortable. She glanced across the room and gave Adam a look; he'd realized his slip of the tongue much too late and he mouthed an apology along with a puppy-dog face. She wasn't really upset about it anyway, but she would be milking his mistake for all it was worth.

"If this is our vic's wallet, his name is Andrew Branson, he's 21. Lives in the Bronx," Adam announced, inspecting the license. "I mean, if this license was real, that would be his name."

"It's a fake?" Stella asked, leaning over to look.

"Yeah, and a pretty good one. I'm pretty sure a bouncer wouldn't know the difference in low light."

"Anything else in there that might have a real name on it?"

"I think there's some credit cards in here but I need to wash them off to be sure. Stay tuned."

"You know, at the risk of sounding insensitive," Danny started. "I gotta say, this is pretty crappy."

* * *

"But mom-"

"I know you want her with you, but don't you think it would be better for her to be here?"

"Why would that be better?"

"She wouldn't have to go to daycare, Lindsay. You wouldn't have to be scrambling for a babysitter when you work nights, you would be able to save more money. Levi would have me and your dad to take care of her."

"Mom, I know you miss us. I know you're used to having her there every day. But I'm not going to send my daughter all the way across the country just because there might be some conveniences to it. I would never be able to focus at work because I would miss her too much."

"I just feel like you're struggling."

"I'm not. Sure there are hard days, but there were hard days in Montana too. I don't want to be away from my daughter ever again. I can't do that."

"I understand that honey. I just want things to be as good and happy for you as possible."

"They are. As long as I have her, everything is okay. Maybe if I was younger and wasn't sure what I was doing, maybe then it would be better for her to be with you guys. But she needs her mom."

"She sounded unhappy when I talked to her."

"She had a hard day. She's better now."

"I don't want to undermine you, Lindsay. I really don't. And I don't think you're a bad mom. I just want to do everything I can to help you."

"I know, mom. I really appreciate that, and I would not be where I am today without you."

"I love you sweetie."

"I love you too."

"Please let me know if you need anything, okay? I'll fly out there just to give you a hug if you need that."

"I know you would. I've got to go put the little stinker to bed, but I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Alright sweetie. Sleep good."

"Night mom."

Lindsay clicked the phone off and sighed, deftly removing the tear that had started to spill down her cheek. She knew she'd relied on her parents a lot for help with Levi, but she hadn't realized what an emotional support they'd been. Picking Levi up from them after work had always turned into an hour or so to decompress from her day and to talk about anything that was bothering her, but now she came home to quiet. She was lonely, something she'd never wanted to be, never thought she would be.

"Mama, I'm ready for bed!"

Lindsay stood from the couch and went into the bedroom, finding Levi in the middle of the bed with the blankets pulled tight around her. Her eyes were brighter than they'd been earlier in the day, and despite her tiredness, she seemed content.

"Okay, tomorrow night, I need you to try and sleep in your own bed."

"Sure mama."

Every week they went through this and every week Levi tossed and turned and cried and had bad dreams and ended up back in Lindsay's bed until the next week rolled around. It was a horrible cycle, but if the hard nights could be cured by not sleeping apart, then Lindsay could postpone the change for a little while.

"Want me to read to you tonight?"

"No thank you. I would like to talk."

"What about?"

Levi sighed and rubbed at her eyes, humming softly to try and remember what she wanted to say. Lindsay waited patiently, knowing it could be several minutes before her daughter aligned her thoughts.

"Mama?"

"Yes darling?"

"Remember this morning when we were upset?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well I am sorry for how I acted."

"You're forgiven, honey."

"Remember how I said that you were lonely?"

"Yes."

"Well I think you need a friend. Like how I have some friends at daycare that I like. I think you need friends at work. Like that Adam guy, he's your friend. And he was pretty nice when I met him. And you have the other friends at work that you told me about so I think you should be friends with them at home too. Know what I mean? Like how Audrey came over for dinner sometimes. That's the kind of friend you need."

"You think that will make me happy?"

"Yes. You will have someone to talk to. About grownup stuff. See mama, I just love you so much," she exclaimed, squishing Lindsay's cheeks between her little hands. "And I want you to be happy. And I want some people to know how beautiful my mama is. Grama says that your heart is even more beautifuller than your face. And I think people should know that."

"Oh honey," Lindsay chuckled, leaning down to kiss her daughter. "I love you so much, do you know that?"

"I do."

"And I want you to know how important a beautiful heart is."

"I know because you tell me a lot. And I can feel it when you give me hugs."

"Good."

"Are you going to go to sleep with me right now?"

"No, I need to finish up some chores and then I'll be in."

"Can I just rest and not sleep until then?"

"Sure."

Levi snuggled down into the bed, pulling the pillow under her head and yawning gently.

"I love you mama."

"Love you too. Get some rest, I'll be in later."

She slipped out of the room and went back in the kitchen to finish up the dishes, grateful that she had not forgotten to buy soap for the fourth time. It seemed that between parenting, working, and trying to take care of herself, she was always forgetting something. Luckily, despite all the struggles, Levi was very patient and if it was something of hers that was forgotten, she could usually be coaxed to go without it.

The phone rang just as she was finishing up and she wiped her hands on her jeans before picking it up to find Adam calling.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I'm really, really sorry."

"You're sorry for what?"

"For earlier today when I pretty much announced to the world that-"

"Don't be sorry, it's fine."

"But you hadn't told anyone and I just blurted it out."

"Adam, it's not a big deal. I wasn't keeping it a secret for a reason or anything. I just hadn't happened to mention it yet."

"You swear you're not mad?"

"I swear. Now, if you're off next Sunday, Levi and I are going Christmas shopping. Do you want to bring Gabby and come with us?"

"I really do need to shop," he said contemplatively. "Sure I'll go, but you are not forcing any egg nog down my throat."

"How about a figgy pudding?"

"No, and no fruit cake either."

"Sugar cookies with crystal glaze?"

"It's a deal."

"Good. I should go but I'll talk to you later."

"Thanks for not wanting to kill me."

"Don't worry, I keep my homicidal thoughts in check."

"Awesome."

"Goodnight Adam."

"Night."

Levi's prediction from that morning had been right; it had turned out to be a good day after all.


	7. Chapter 7

Adam slogged through the slushy streets, rethinking his decision to walk to Lindsay's rather than to try and catch a cab on a busy weekend. It may have taken longer but at least the cuffs of his pants would have been dry and he wouldn't be freezing right now. It would normally have put him in a grumpy mood but he was in the Christmas spirit lately, so it was more of a minor annoyance than anything.

He found himself in front of Lindsay's building, hitting the buzzer quickly three times until she let him in, then making his way up to the door. He could hear faint music as he knocked on the door and it swung open, revealing Levi who was smiling widely.

"Hi! I'm a rockstar today. Look at my Cyndi Lauper hair."

He chuckled at the high side ponytail and the plastic rings she wore on all her fingers. If he were a betting man, he would say she'd come up with it all by herself.

"You look awesome kid."

"Hey, where's Gabby? I thought she was coming with you!"

"She couldn't come. She's got a cold and we didn't want her to get any sicker."

"Oh," Levi sighed, her face falling. "I wanted to see her. But I don't want her to get more sick. So I guess it's okay. Come in, mama's fixin' her hair."

She shut the door behind him and he chuckled at the makeshift drumset she'd set up on the coffee table. There were various things stacked around, some pots and pans, Tupperware, a few books and an empty milk jug. She'd been using chopsticks for drumsticks and he was certain that the plate on the couch was on its way to becoming her cymbal.

"So you've been rocking out this morning huh?"

"Yep! Told mama I was bored and she told me to be creative. This is what I came up with. Is it cool?"

"Sure is. Are you a good drummer?"

"I'm decent," she shrugged. "I'd be better with a real drumset, but this is okay for now."

"You want to be a musician when you grow up?"

"Nope. I just like drummin'. My mama plays the piano and the guitar a little and she sings good."

He nodded and Levi grabbed his hand, pulling him over to the stereo and pointing at the stack of CD's.

"See that one right there? That's the music mama listened to all the time when I was in her belly. It's special to us. I knowed it from the time I was born. Oh!"

She dropped his hand and ran across the room, grabbing a picture off the bookcase.

"See this is me when I was just born! I was darn cute, that's what mama said. And now you know!"

Adam laughed and Levi replaced the picture, then spun around surveying the room.

"Know what I think? I think I need a stage. A real big one so I can perform all my songs. I writed one about grilled cheese and tomato soup. I will sing it for you when it's done."

Adam was about to agree when Levi jumped up again, a squeal emanating from her, the likes of which he had never heard before.

"Oh mama! I haven't seen you in ten whole minutes!" she exclaimed, running across the room and almost knocking Lindsay over with a hug. "I missed you so much!"

"You did? Well I guess I am just going to have to quit my job and spend every second of my life with you," Lindsay laughed, lifting her daughter up and kissing her cheek.

"Maybe not because then how would we buy chocolate?"

"I guess you're right, I'd better keep working. Now, did you let this strange man in here?"

"Yes but you already told me it was him because he buzzed three times."

"I know."

"But he didn't bring Gabby because she's sick so I'm bummed. So maybe we will have to get a treat to make me feel better."

"Well maybe I was planning on that anyway."

"Our minds is great because they think the same," Levi decided, wiggling back down to the floor and running to take Adam's hand.

"C'mon, are you ready to shop?"

"I sure am."

"Good because if you weren't I'd say that you were at the wrong rodeo."

Adam laughed and she smiled happily, grabbing her coat off the hook by the door.

"Mama, hurry it up, let's go! I got money burnin' a hole in my pocket and I need to buy you a good gift! I can't just get you bubble bath like last year, you don't have time for that!"

"Okay, okay. Slow your roll."

"Mama doesn't understand my impatience," Levi muttered, reaching for the doorknob.

"Levi doesn't understand my desire not to be run ragged before we even get to the car."

"Oh mama."

Adam raised his eyebrows at Lindsay who just sighed and rolled her eyes.

"It never ends."

"Did she have a bowl of sugar for breakfast?"

"No, this is just her."

"No wonder you're so skinny, you probably haven't had a full meal since she was born."

"Actually you're probably right."

Levi pulled them out the door and down the hall to the stairs, not wanting to be cooped up in an elevator for even two minutes.

"Wow, such a beautiful day," she said, stomping through a puddle on the sidewalk. "Is it gonna snow?"

"Probably not today. C'mon let's get in the car."

"Oh whoopee I found my Frisbee in here!"

"Adam I apologize."

"For what?"

"Just trust me."

* * *

Seven stores and one quick lunch later, Levi had calmed down quite a lot. She wasn't talking constantly and wasn't as fidgety as normal which meant that their trips into each overcrowded store were a lot quicker than they would have been had she been running at full throttle. She stood patiently by the cart while Adam and Lindsay scoped out deals and checked people off their lists. Adam had finished with his shopping at the last store but was still looking for extra stocking stuffers for Gabby while lecturing Lindsay on all the money she could save if she just bought an extra item here and there. Currently he was trying to shove a pack of gum into the cart so she would spend the full fifty dollars to get ten dollars back.

"Look, the lady at the counter is going to ask you anyway, so in about fifteen minutes you'll be having this conversation again."

"But Adam, I don't need the pack of gum."

"Look you spend the 97 cents and you get a coupon for ten dollars off your next purchase."

"But-"

"So technically, you buy the gum and they pay you nine dollars and three cents."

"I don't need the gum."

"Do you need the nine dollars and three cents?"

"I won't starve without it."

"Did everyone ever tell you you're really stubborn?"

"Anyone ever tell you to go to law school?"

He gave a half shrug and she sighed, tossing the pack of gum into the cart.

"I seem to always let you talk me into things."

"Nu-uh."

"What about last week when you said we should grab sushi for lunch and I grossed out and ten minutes later I was eating sushi?"

"Maybe you're just weak."

"Hey, that's not very nice," she chuckled, shifting her weight to the other foot. "Hey, what do you think are the chances of this line moving more than a centimeter an hour?"

"Slim to none. We should open a lemonade stand."

"I might drink the whole batch."

"Well that won't be good for profits."

"It's okay, with your coupon savvy I'm sure you'll figure out a way to fund our small business."

"A small business where we make lemonade and you drink it. I guess it hasn't been done before."

"Yes, uniqueness. That is what makes a company great."

He laughed and leaned against the cart, surveying the line again and sighing.

"I kind of want to start singing the song that never ends. See how many people we can get in on it."

"Let me guess, when you were a kid you had a group of friends and you always dared each other to do stupid things."

"How did you know?"

"Lucky guess. Ever get yourself hurt?"

"A time or two I might have miscalculated things."

"Lasting injuries?"

"Only to my pride."

She smiled as they moved just barely forward in line and Levi let out a small, frustrated whine.

"Mama it's too close," she whispered, her knuckles white on the cart. "Too much."

"Are you okay?"

"It's too much mama! I can't move, I need to leave, it's too crowded!"

"Levi, I need you to take a breath," Lindsay started, crouching down to her. "We'll be leaving soon, I just need you to wait a little longer."

"But there's so many people," she cried, breathing heavily. "They're in my space. I can't breathe good."

"You can breathe just fine. Look at my eyes and breathe up from your toes."

"I can't mama I want to go home!"

"Would it help to sit in the cart?"

"No, it's too hot. I can't help it mama I can't! Please let's go home."

"Hey kiddo," Adam said, crouching down to her eye level and talking softly. "Would it help if I took you out to the car?"

She whimpered and nodded, reaching her arms out for him immediately, so great was her desire to get out of dodge. He lifted her up and she wilted against him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder.

"Adam, you don't have to-"

"It's okay. She just needs air."

Lindsay sighed and handed him the keys and he took Levi around the long line and out the doors. She kept holding onto him as they reached the car, but she was breathing a lot better than she had been.

"Feel better?" he asked, putting her in her booster seat but not buckling her in.

"Mama says I get overwhelmed sometimes. When I am tired and hungry 'specially. She says I have a hard time concentrating and that sometimes I have other weird things I do like getting overwhelmed. But it's okay because I try my best. Thank you for takin' me out."

"You're welcome."

He climbed into the passenger seat and turned the heat on a little while Levi sighed and started to calm down.

"You want to know something Levi?"

"What?"

"I have that concentrating problem too."

"Really?"

"Yep. It's gotten a lot easier as I get older."

"Did you have the same other problems too? Mama says they're called sensory issues."

"No, I didn't have that but I understand."

"I don't like scratchy stuff. Like my warm socks. And in school when we have to wear smocks to do arts and crafts I have to sit out because the smocks irritate my neck and I freak out. I don't get to do arts and crafts."

"Have you thought about taking a big t-shirt to wear instead?"

"I don't like being different," she answered with a shrug. "Mama doesn't know why I have extra weird things about me and I don't know either. I really try to not get upset but sometimes I do anyway."

"I think that's okay."

"Mama taught me lots of ways to focus in school. Like if I can just tap my foot sometimes my brain doesn't wander. I have to work harder than most kids though. That's okay because hard work never killed anybody."

He chuckled at her optimism as she stared out the window in thought.

"Maybe different is a little bit okay."

"Just a little bit?"

"Well I don't want people to think I'm weird. It's okay when mama says I am because she loves me anyway, and she likes me being weird. But the other kids… they don't appreciate weird."

"Let me tell you a little something I didn't learn until I was really old. Weird is good and people who don't understand that are missing out on something really awesome."

"Do you… do you think I'm awesome Adam?"

"Absolutely. You're the only kid I know that's better at driving a remote control car than I am. And you have great taste in movies and I have to say that you've been a really, really good friend to Gabby."

"She said she doesn't have many friends."

"It's hard for her because kids think she's different. It helps when you call her and you guys can talk."

"Maybe… Maybe if me and her are different at the same time, that makes us not so weird! Yeah! I will tell her that when I talk to her. My brain is crazy and her legs don't work so good but that's okay because we're still friends!"

"I think you're on to something here."

She smiled and sat back in her seat quietly for a moment watching out the window before she leaned forward with a whisper.

"I'm gonna tell you somethin' but don't tell mama I told you."

"Okay."

"My mama doesn't have many friends either. Except for Audrey. She told me because she never had time to be friends but now she's friends with you and that makes me happy. We both like it when you come over and eat dinner with us. Sometimes we get bored with each other."

"You get bored?"

"Yeah. But when you come over it's somethin' new and exciting! And mama cooks better when we have company too."

"Well I'm glad I could be of service."

She giggled, her meltdown in the store long forgotten as she inspected her fingernails. She could always feel discomfort creeping up on her and she knew it was happening but she couldn't stop herself from getting upset.

"Okay weary travelers," Lindsay greeted, getting in the car after putting the gifts in the trunk. "Are we ready for one more stop?"

"Another one? Mama, get real. What else could you possibly need?"

"Groceries for dinner. You'd like to eat, wouldn't you?"

"Yes. Man, when people say shop 'til you drop, they ain't kidding."

"If you're about to drop then we need food. Adam, you want to stay and let me feed you?"

"Nah, I should go home."

Lindsay rolled her eyes at him and shook her head.

"Just for that silly comment you're staying for dinner and a movie."

"Okay, but don't ever say I didn't protest politely."

* * *

"And I think she's out for the count," Lindsay whispered, chuckling as she looked down at Levi. She was sprawled across the couch her head on Lindsay's lap and her feet almost in Adam's. She'd declared vehemently that she wasn't tired and she could stay up until the end of the movie with no problems, but now it was five minutes to her bedtime and she was nearly snoring.

"I've never seen anyone fall asleep that fast."

"She's pure talent."

"Did you know that she looks exactly like you?"

"I've been told."

"Does she um… look like her dad at all?"

"She has his eyes. His hands. Sometimes when she laughs she sounds like him. But for the most part she's all me."

"Does that bother you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, does looking at her remind you…"

"No. It's not like I'm still hung up on the guy or something."

"I didn't mean that."

"I know. Really though, I don't think about him a lot. This girl right here is the only lasting impression I have."

He nodded and she leaned back on the couch, popping her toes against the coffee table. She'd never liked talking about Josh to anyone but for some reason with Adam it wasn't so hard. He asked out of curiosity about her life, not because he wanted to hear nitty-gritty details. He just wanted to know her.

"I'd better go put her to bed," Lindsay remarked after a moment. "She'll be cranky later if she sleeps like this too long."

She maneuvered off the couch and reached down for her daughter who seemed to be getting heavier by the day.

"Mama?"

"It's okay baby, I'm just putting you to bed."

"Please in your bed not mine. I wanna sleep in your bed."

"Not tonight."

"Mama!" she whined, rubbing at her eyes. "I hate my bed."

"You do not hate your bed, you've slept in there just fine every night for weeks. You're a big girl."

Levi whined a little and went back to sleep and Lindsay tucked her in to the small bed, trying not to trip over toys as she did so.

"Goodnight sweetie. I love you."

She snuck back out of the room and to the couch where she sat down with a sigh, pulling a blanket into her lap.

"So parenting is difficult," Adam said with a smile, reaching over to squeeze her foot. "At least that's what I'm gathering from today."

"It's not difficult really. Challenging."

"Makes you appreciate your parents more."

"Oh yeah. I'm surprised they both didn't go gray years ago. Especially not when they half-raised Levi too."

"I get the impression that they wouldn't have had it any other way."

"Nope. I lucked out on the parent thing, that's for sure. No matter what I was screwing up in my life, they were always there."

"You screwed up a lot?"

"I had some lost years."

"I think that happens to everyone for one reason or another."

She nodded, clearing the memories from her head.

"So what about you? It kind of seems like your parents were the opposite of mine."

"They weren't great. I think they tried but they never really wanted kids. They're not very warm people."

She tipped her head to the side in question and he cracked his knuckles while he thought of exactly how to approach this.

"My dad was a little rough with me. There wasn't a lot of hugging."

She understood his meaning and nodded gently, meeting his eyes briefly, wanting to reach down and give his hand a squeeze but feeling like that was overstepping some boundary she'd set for herself a long time ago. She didn't get into relationships, Levi was much more important than falling in love and even a simple physical act of support and understanding felt like tip-toeing into that unknown.

"No wonder you wanted to move so far away."

"I know he can't hurt me anymore, but I don't want him in my life every day. It's been better since I moved. He actually apologized for not being a good dad. Said me and Jeremy deserved more."

"Too little too late?"

"Kind of, but it really meant a lot to me that he saw that. He and my mom were both ill-equipped to be parents, and that doesn't excuse what they did, but it makes it way less about me."

"How were they with your brother?"

"A little better. I think by the time he came around they felt guilty and tried to make up for it with him."

"So what's the relationship like now?"

He shrugged.

"They see everything as a business transaction, they look for what they can get out of every relationship. So it's basically non-existent unless they feel obligated to contact me for some reason."

"That's sad."

"I know they do their best. They just aren't wired for parenthood the same way most people are."

"That still doesn't make it okay."

"No it doesn't. But I can't live in the past and I can't hold against them the things they've acknowledged and apologized for. That's not fair. Time to move on."

"You're a smart man."

"No one's ever said that before."

"Well maybe they should have."

He gave her a small smile and they looked at each other for a long moment before he turned away, checking his watch.

"I should go. You're tired."

"You don't have to."

"Nah, but I should anyway. It's been a long day."

"Alright," she agreed, a little piece of her getting sad at the thought of sitting here alone once the door shut behind him.

"Thanks for helping me wrap all these," he said, grabbing the shopping bags that were full of presents. "I would have used three rolls of tape without you, and there would have been swearing."

"You're welcome. See you at work tomorrow?"

"Bright and early. I'll bring coffee."

"Thanks."

She walked him to the door said goodbye, making sure he made it to the elevator before stepping back inside. She leaned against the wall with a heavy sigh, closing her eyes and biting her lip. She'd been alone for years, content with that and happy even. Why in the world was she suddenly so miserable at the silence?


	8. Chapter 8

Levi sighed to herself and changed the channel from one cartoon to another, glancing down into her empty cereal bowl and wondering if she was hungry enough for more. She'd woken up pretty early and had snuck into Lindsay's room but found her still in a deep sleep, so she'd retreated to the kitchen to take care of herself. Climbing up on the counter had been a little scary and she was glad they were almost out of milk so it made it easier to pour into the bowl. She'd been on the couch ever since, watching cartoons and wondering when Lindsay would wake up and they could start their day. She'd considered getting dressed once or twice but decided against it, preferring to snuggle up on the couch in her pajamas and just relax.

"Good mornin' baby."

"Oh hi mama! I didn't wanna wake you up. But you're up now on your own?"

"Yes I am. Thanks for letting me have a sleep."

"Come sit by me. I'm watching a weird cartoon. I really miss you. You've been at work too much."

"I know," Lindsay replied, sitting down and tucking her daughter into her arms. "I'm sorry. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices."

"That's okay. You are home now and you don't have to go to work today right?"

"Right. And not tomorrow either."

"But tomorrow I go back to school. What will you do?"

"I am going to catch up on all the things I needed to do that I haven't done in the last ten days that I've worked with no day off."

"Oh. Grocery shopping. Yuck."

"Yeah, yuck."

"We need milk, mama. And more cereal. Oh, and some macaroni and cheese too. I'd like that. And my vitamins. Almost out."

"Okay, I'll remember."

"Did you sleep good mama? You don't look like you slept good."

"It was a rough night," Lindsay said softly, dropping a kiss to Levi's hair.

"You had scary dreams?"

"A few. It's okay though. I'm going to go take a shower. You want to go get dressed and pick up your room a little?"

"Well not really but I guess you did ask pretty nice."

"That's my girl."

"After we do all that could we watch a movie together and cuddle on the couch?"

"One movie and then we have a few things we need to do."

Levi nodded and slid off the couch, tucking her hair behind her ear and wrinkling her nose.

"I think maybe I need a bath. I smell kind of bad."

Lindsay chuckled and pulled Levi into her lap, kissing her softly and holding her in a tight hug for a long time.

"I love you baby."

"I love you too."

"Go pick up your room and you can have a bath when I get out of the shower."

"Okay mama. Hurry."

They got off the couch and Lindsay went into the bathroom, turning the water on and rubbing her eyes, wondering how she'd managed to sleep in until noon. Work had been hard lately, too many cases piling up and trying to keep them straight was taking all her brain power. Last night a suspect had pulled a gun while they were chasing him, and while she'd had that happen before, this was the first time in New York, on unfamiliar streets with a new partner by her side. It hadn't shaken her, but it did fuel the nightmares. She stepped into the shower and tried to shake it all from her mind, creating a mental to-do list instead, ticking off things that she could get done today and things that would have to wait for tomorrow. It gave her a sense of calm, having rules and boundaries and goals.

"Mama, are you almost done? I smell ripe."

"Okay, I'm done," Lindsay chuckled, turning the shower off and grabbing a towel off the hook. "Are you Miss Bossy Pants today?"

"I don't mean to!" Levi answered, shoving into the room and turning on the bath water. "Sometimes my tone of voice just comes out that way. Are you gonna stay in here and do your make-up and talk to me while I get washed?"

"Alright."

"So what are we gonna do today? Could we go play in the snow?"

"Maybe if we have time. We need to clean this place up. I've been falling short on the upkeep."

"That means it's messy in here huh?"

"Yes. If we can get that done and do one load of laundry, then maybe we'll have time to go play at the park before the game is on."

"Oh the game, I forgot! Giants versus Eagles and Adam is coming over to watch. I bet grandpa ten bucks on this game. I said the Giants would win and he said that my loyalties have changed and it would be the Eagles. So he's gonna owe me ten bucks!"

"I'm glad you're so confident about this. But what if the Giants lose? How are you going to pay grandpa then?"

"I suppose I will have to take out a loan from the bank of your wallet."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"Honey, I think it's about time you got some friends your own age and stopped listening to every word I say. You're much too smart for your own good."

"I don't think no one ever said that to Einstein!"

"Sassy Britches."

"That's my name, don't wear it out!"

"Child, what am I going to do with you?"

"I dunno. Could you scrub my hair please? And then when it's all clean and dry could you make it curled like yours?"

"You really want to take the time to do that?"

"Well, maybe not. But at least scrub me real quick?"

"Sure. After the park do you want to go to the store and pick out a special snack for the game?"

"Okay! I'll get pork rinds, I like those crunchy things."

"I won't bother tell you what they're made of."

"Ignorance is bliss."

* * *

She should have known that the question "So, are you still watchin' the game tonight?" was going to lead to something other than a friendly inquiry. Danny's TV had finally bit the dust and now he and Flack had nowhere to watch the game. The pathetic begging on the other end of the line hadn't lasted long; Lindsay had gotten the hint and invited the guys to join them for the game too. Which meant that as soon as Adam arrived, he'd gone back out to get more pop and paper plates, and Lindsay felt like she had to clean the place to a higher standard, now that it was becoming a group gathering area. She didn't mind, truth be told. Being a hostess wasn't a hard job and when Danny had called again to say his girlfriend had gotten off work early and would be joining them, all she could do was shrug and wipe off the coffee table.

"I've finally reached the moon!" Levi shouted, jumping around on the couch. "It ain't made of cheese after all!"

"Sweetheart could you please-"

"I am not sweetheart. I am an astronaut looking for aliens."

"Well you're going to scare the aliens into hiding jumping around and yelling like that."

"This is why I need a partner! Go get a helmet and be my partner. Please?"

"Okay, we have time to blast off to Mars real quick."

"Whoo-hoo! I know there's aliens there! Hurry up, commencing blast off sequence!"

She jumped off the couch and crawled under the coffee table, laying on her back and pretending she was in the front seat of a space shuttle. Lindsay sighed and joined her, not keen on playing this game right now, but unable to resist Levi's enthusiasm.

"Launching from Cape Canaveral into the beautiful night sky. Astronaut mama, any inspiring words for the people of America?"

"Don't buy on credit."

"And with that we're off to Mars! Look out the window mama, you could see our really tiny house!"

"Oh great I left the porch light on!"

Levi cackled with laughter then made explosion noises and lifted her arms up in the air like she was experiencing zero gravity.

"We're almost to the red planet! Prepare to engage landing gear."

She rolled out from under the table and began to bounce around the room, her arms flailing in every direction.

"I must collect soil samples to send back to NASA," she announced, pretending that the living room was an uncharted planet. "They are important to humankind."

"When did the robot voice start?"

"When we passed the man in the moon. He told me to."

"Oh I see."

"Careful where you step, aliens don't clean up after themselves."

"That's okay, we can take a sample of it back to earth."

"Ew I don't want to collect alien poop!" she shouted wrinkling her nose while there was a knock on the door.

"Hey, you said this was all for research," Lindsay reminded her, walking across the room and opening the door to find they guys standing there with bags of junk food.

"Ahh! Space invaders!" Levi shouted pulling out her toy gun. "Yi yi yi yi yi! I blasted you guys now fall down!"

"Levi, we've landed back on earth now."

"Well maybe just you jumped in the escape pod and headed home but I am still on Mars. I got a meeting with Han Solo, we're making a plan to take out Jabba the Hutt."

"Okay, well he just called and he said he would meet you in the other room and don't tell Greedo."

"Well I guess that's my cue to scram out," she sighed, taking her helmet off and holstering her gun. "I'll be at Mos Eisley if you need me."

She skipped off into her bedroom and Lindsay sighed, rolling her eyes.

"She doesn't know that Han Solo was from a galaxy far, far away?" Flack asked, raising and eyebrow.

"Distance is lost on her. It took us less than two seconds to get to Mars just now," Lindsay explained, letting them in. She'd met Danny's girlfriend Austin Hawthorne briefly a few times and they'd hardly ever spoken to each other but she had a feeling she was going to appreciate having another girl around.

"I thought you said Adam was comin' too," Danny commented, setting a bag of junk food on the kitchen counter.

"Yeah, he was here and then he left again to get some stuff. He'll be back soon."

"Great, when's the game start?"

"Probably about half an hour after it said in the TV Guide when you triple-checked earlier," Austin remarked, grabbing Danny's wrist to check his watch. "Fifteen minutes."

"Well what do we do until then?"

"Here, you can flip channels, I'll preheat the oven."

"Well isn't that just-"

"Daniel, if you make a woman in the kitchen joke, you can imagine what I'll do to you," Austin warned, shooting him a look so deadly that even Flack shuddered.

"Bless you for being female," Lindsay chuckled, turning to go into the kitchen. She couldn't hear the comment Danny made after that but he paid for it with a cuff to the back of his head.

"Hey, I just got handed a religious pamphlet," Adam announced, opening the door. "For a religion I have never heard of. Actually, this could be a pamphlet about a crippling disease. I'm not sure, the guy didn't say anything."

"I don't think you're ready for the streets," Lindsay chuckled, taking the bag from him and peeking at the pamphlet. "Adam that's written in Dutch."

"Well no wonder I didn't know what it was about. Levi, you want some junk mail for your collection?"

There was a yelp and Levi came running out of the room, clapping her hands.

"Oh awesome! Thanks!"

"Can I ask why you collect junk mail?"

"You can ask but I don't know why. I just like it. And now that I am getting better at reading, I can know what things say. I read "new car" on one but mama said it was a hoax."

"Those usually are."

"I'm gonna go put this in my box. Check out my sparkly shoes while I walk away."

She skipped back into her room and Adam bit his lip to keep from laughing. Every day it seemed there was something new to learn about this strange child.

"Come on, she'll be occupied for a while, at least until she smells food."

She pulled him out to the other room and they sat down on the smaller couch, shoving at each other playfully as they both started to sink into the middle.

"You need to get a better couch."

"This was my very first adult purchase and you shall not mock it!"

"Oh really?"

"His name is Clyde and he will boot you off if you're not nice."

"It's not a question where Levi gets her weirdness."

"Thanks."

"Shut up guys, the game's about to start."

"Is he going to be like this the whole time?" Lindsay asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Probably, yes," Austin answered. "But by half time he should have loosened up enough that he's not so growly."

"Good to know."

"Hey mama and Adam is my butt bony today?" Levi shouted, jumping onto their laps without warning.

"Ouch! Yes, it's very bony, you didn't need to demonstrate."

"You're funny mama."

"If you're going to sit here and watch the game you need to be polite. Not watching it like you do with grandpa and your uncles."

"I ain't allowed to cuss this time? Aw man!"

"Well maybe it will be a good game and you won't need to."

"Okay. I'm gonna sit over here on the floor. Thank you and goodbye."

She climbed off the couch and went to sit on the floor, propping her chin up in her hands and staring intently at the TV screen. She understood football and she even liked it a little but she'd always wanted to watch in order to be a part of something with her grandpa and uncles. Lindsay wasn't sure she was going to make it very long on her own. Of course, Levi was always good for a surprise.

* * *

"But I don't want to go to bed!" Levi protested, her arms wrapped around the leg of the dining room table. "I want to watch the game!"

The last word was drawn out for several seconds and Lindsay sighed, leaning down to gently place her hand over her daughters' mouth.

"I know you do, but we had a deal, Levitica Jane and you did not hold up your end of it. So it's time for bed."

"I'll do better! I will, I will, I promise!"

"It's too late. You had one warning and I think that's enough. Now stand up like a human child, you weren't raised in the woods."

Levi made a grumbling noise and muttered under her breath but stood up like she was asked.

"I want to say goodnight to Adam."

"Okay, you can go in there and say goodnight to him very quickly and then you need to go get in bed."

Slightly happy with the compromise she shuffled out of the room and to the couch, tapping Adam's arm and looking up at him with huge eyes.

"Mama says I have to go to bed. Because I broke our deal we had about me staying up late if I behaved. Well I didn't behave so now I have to say goodnight. Next time I see you could I please see Gabby too? Please?"

"We'll see. I'll have to see when she's free to come into the city."

"Okay! Thanks! She's the only friend I got here you know."

"I know."

"Goodnight! I'll see you next time."

She stretched up and kissed his cheek then ran into her bedroom where Lindsay was pulling back the covers on the bed.

"I am not enthusiastic about going to bed but I won't grumble very much."

"That's all I ask. Ready to say your prayers?"

Levi nodded and knelt by the bed, rattling off a long list of things she was thankful for, asking God for a victory for her team and to see Gabby soon, then promising to do her best to be good tomorrow before she climbed into bed, pulling stuffed animals close around herself.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"I like that you've been laughing so much today. It's a sound that makes my heart feel all mushy and nice."

"Well I'm glad."

"Even if I am upset with you about going to bed."

"There's nothing I can do to fix that without undoing all the years of discipline I've already done."

"Well fine."

"I'll see you in the morning, chicken wing. Sleep good."

"Night mama."

She rolled over and closed her eyes and Lindsay slipped from the room, closing the door behind her and heading back out to join the group. To be honest, she wasn't really a fan of bed-time, it meant being without her daughter until morning, and especially on the days they'd been apart it wasn't fun to let her go like that.

"Is that kid ever not outspoken about something?" Flack asked, an amused twinkle in his eye.

"She did go through a serious stage when she was two. She looked at everything like she was trying to take it apart with her mind."

"That's not serious, that's scary."

"It actually was now that you mention it. What's even scarier is the fact that y'all are still watching things game even if it's abysmal."

"So?" Adam asked, stealing a quick glance at her before turning back to the TV.

"I'm going to go start on the dishes."

"I'll come with you," Austin offered, standing up and grabbing up the dishes that were scattered on the coffee table. "This is sports mockery."

Lindsay turned the hot water on, putting a few drops of soap in before she took the first cookie sheet, which was caked with the remnants of twice baked potatoes.

"So," Austin started, scraping some buffalo wings into the garbage can. "You and Adam?"

"What?"

"Is there something going on there or do you just spend too much time together?"

"Too much time together I suppose. We're just friends."

"I had a feeling, but so did Flack, so I had to ask."

"No harm. What's the story with you and Danny then?"

"You want me to start at the beginning or give you the Cliff's notes of the present?"  
"Cliffs notes."

"We're waiting for the Centers for Disease control to get back to us on what our story is."

"I see."

"We're more on-again, off-again than Barbra Streisand's career. Basically we can't live without each other but we can't live with each other either, so we just learned to deal with break ups and reuniting like we're an extra couple they were going to have on _Friends_ but scrapped from the script at the last minute."

"He didn't cheat with a copy girl did he?"

"No, he values his manparts too much to do that."

"Them training classes don't come cheap."

"Twenty years of 'em too. He owes me big time."

Lindsay chuckled.

"You guys could never really break up, you know too many secrets about each other."

"I never thought about that. Hey Danny! We can't break up ever again, 'kay?"

"Okay dear."

"Don't call me dear!"

"I think I've spotted your problem, Austin."

"Eh. We're comfortable with them and too lazy to change them."

"True love."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I received a sweet review on my last chapter from guest, so whoever you are, bless you! That made my night! Thanks so much for reading!

* * *

"Levi, we're going to be late, honey."

"I just gotta pick out one thing."

Lindsay sighed and tossed her keys from one hand to the other. It wasn't like being a couple minutes late was going to harm anything, but she hated keeping people waiting. After another minute of tapping her toes she gave up and stomped into Levi's bedroom, finding the five-year old with glitter glue all over her face and scraps of paper on the floor.

"What are you doing? Levi, there's glitter all over the carpet! I told you not to use this in your room. When are you going to start listening to me?"

"But mama-"

"There's no buts. Go wash your face and get your coat on. We're late."

Levi whined and dropped her shoulders, running into the bathroom and holding back tears while Lindsay knelt down to clean up the mess as best as she could. It was probably going to take some intense work to get all the glitter out and the frustration made her so mad she could have spit.

"I'm ready to go," Levi whispered, her eyes searching the tops of her shoes. "Please don't be so upset with me?"

"Look, let's put it away for now and not think about it until later. Neither one of us needs to be in a bad mood, okay?"

"But your heart is still mad."

"Levi," Lindsay started, crouching down in front of her daughter. "Right now I am turning off the anger and the frustration. And later, when we talk about this and I try to turn that anger on again, it won't be there. We're taking a breather, okay?"

"Okay."

"C'mere and give me a hug so we can go."

Levi hesitated for just a moment, then rushed into Lindsay's arms, squeezing as hard as she could.

"I love you mama. Taller than the mountains."

"I love you bigger than the sky, sweetie."

"Can we go now?"

"Yes, we can go. Do you want to give grandma and grandpa a call on the way? They wanted to talk to you earlier."

"Yes! I would like that very much."

They left the apartment and walked down to the car where Levi climbed into her seat and buckled herself, then held her hand out for the phone.

"Want me to pass on any messages from you?"

"No thanks, I'll call grandma after you go to bed tonight."

"Okay."

She dialed the number and was soon talking to her grandparents, who were probably happy to drop everything they were doing to listen to the buzzing chatter of their only granddaughter.

"We had a great party at school today! We decorated some cookies and we made cards. I made a very beautiful one for you guys and mama will put it in the mail in the morning. It has feathers on it. And right now we're in the car because we're going to our friend Adam's house for dinner."

There was a short pause and Levi wrinkled her nose, then shook her head.

"No grandma, Adam is just a buddy, not mama's boyfriend. 'Sides, she don't got time for no one but me… I know it is Valentines day. But we always have dinner together one or two times every week and this night was the only one we could do it! So Adam is making us dinner this time, for fun. I sure hope he cooks good, come to think of it. If he doesn't then maybe he will have peanut butter and jelly in his house. Do grown ups eat that? No kids live with him. Maybe he won't have it because it's kid food. Grandma, what if he cooks bad? What are we going to do?"

Lindsay rolled her eyes, wondering how in the world her daughter had gotten so dramatic.

"I guess I will just wait until we get there to see. Maybe it will be grilled cheese and tomato soup! No one could mess that one up! I'll call you tomorrow and tell you how it goes but we're here right now so I gotta go. I love you guys!"

She ended the call and sighed to herself, waiting until the car was parked to unbuckle her seatbelt., then fiddled with the door, trying to get out.

"Levi, you need to wait for me, this is a busy street."

"What's that mean? The street ain't doing anything."

"It just means that there's a lot of cars using the street right now."

"Oh! Well come get me out then."

They made their way out of the car and into the building where Levi was delighted to be able to push the button for the elevator.

"So does Adam have like… toys for me to play with? Because you guys always talk about real boring stuff when we have dinner and I need something to do."

"I think you'll find something to do while we talk about boring stuff."

"Oh good. Maybe he will let me play some video games, he says he's got a lot of them."

"Maybe so. I need you to be on your best behavior and mind your manners, okay?"

"Okay! This might be really exciting."

"Go ahead and knock on the door."

Her little hand had barely moved from the door when it swung open and she giggled, running towards Adam and laughing when he picked her up.

"Hi buddy!" she greeted as he kissed her cheek. "Happy Valentines day."

"Happy Valentines day to you too kiddo. What's this on your nose?"

"Glitter," she answered, trying unsuccessfully to wipe it off. "Boy, something sure smells good in here. What did you make?"

"Oh just something a little fancy," he answered. She nodded then let out an ear piercing squeal and wiggled down to the ground.

"Gabby! You're here! Mama, Gabby is here!"

She jumped onto the couch next to her friend and they hugged each other for a long time, both chattering about what had happened to them since last they'd seen each other.

"Well why are you here? It's a school night!"

"My mom and dad went on a date and so I came here to spend the night," Gabby answered with a grin. "And know what else? Today is a good leg day and I can walk a little if someone walks with me. Want to see?"

Levi nodded and watched as Gabby stood up from the couch, walking a few feet until she had to sit down again.

"My legs get tired after a little while," she explained with a shrug. "But a good leg day always makes me happy. I can get around just like other kids. My chair is even all folded up way over there, see?"

Levi nodded and smiled.

"That's good that your legs are working today. I will help you walk to the table when it's dinnertime."

"Okay. Right now I am reading my homework for school. I have to read the first chapter of this book. Want me to read it to you?"

"Yeah!"

Levi sat down next to her friend and soon they were caught up in a fictional world.

"Need help with anything?" Lindsay asked, nodding into the kitchen.

"Set the table for me?"

"Sure."

She pulled the plates out of the cupboard while he finished cooking, and the girls laughter in the other room became louder and louder.

"We really need to be better about getting them together more often," Adam commented. "They seem to enjoy it a lot."

"Yeah. Their phone conversations are turning into marathons lately. I think last Friday they clocked almost an hour. I have no idea what they talk about for that long."

"What do girls talk about at that age?"

"Boys."

"No, they're much too young!"

"I started noticing boys when I was four years old and Bradley Evans pinched me in Sunday School. Believe me, they're already talking about boys."

"They're five and seven!"

"Trust me, Adam."

He groaned and went back to the stove while she laughed, shaking her head. It wasn't like either of the girls were interested in boys at this age. They were just talking about them, and probably how gross they were. It was fun to watch Adam squirm though.

* * *

"I find it quite hilarious that you have floral scented dish soap."

"Why?"

"You're a boy. You should have Dawn Original, or be taking all the dishes outside to wash them with dirt and rain water."

"Lindsay, you're really, really weird."

She chuckled and dropped a little more soap into the hot water while he gathered the dishes from the table. Levi and Gabby were sprawled out on the living room floor watching a movie and eating ice-cream, and their chatter had not yet let up. It seemed as if they had an endless supply of things to talk about and Adam was glad Gabby finally had a friend who saw past the wheelchair and the learning struggles. He'd always worried for his little cousin, that she would grow up isolated and feeling horrible about herself because of her medical struggles. But right now, he wasn't worried at all.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah sure."

He hesitated for a moment, scraping the bottom of the casserole dish before sighing and turning to look at her.

"I once asked you why you'd picked this job. You said it was another story for another day."

"It's not a good story."

"Can you tell me about it?"

She sighed deeply, glancing at him for a moment before averting her eyes, concentrating on getting the forks nice and dry before tucking them into the drawer.

"You want the long version or the short version?"

A squeal of laughter emitted from the living room.

"Long version seems good."

"Okay."

He stopped cleaning and leaned against the counter, watching as she busied her hands with drying the rest of the dishes.

"I don't talk about the details, I never really have. But when I was sixteen, three of my friends were murdered. I was there. The man who did it, he got away. They finally caught him in Nebraska a few months after Levi was born. He'd been on a slow killing spree for years, they managed to link him to several killings all over the country. He's spent the last five years going to trial for all these crimes in different states. He waives his right to a speedy trial every time, like he gets some kind of sick pleasure drawing the whole thing out. I haven't had to testify yet and I have no idea when I'll have to. But after he was caught, after they started coming out with all these things he'd done, all I could think was someone wasn't paying attention. Someone missed evidence in the early cases that could have helped to catch him sooner. I figured I couldn't trust the rest of the world to keep my daughter safe, so I had better do what I could. This job was the solution I found."

"Wow," he breathed after a moment. "You've got more tough stuff than I gave you credit for."

She shrugged a little and he reached over to squeeze her shoulder.

"Is that why you get offended when Mac sends you away from crime scenes to start processing evidence? You're trying to prove yourself?"

"I guess. Part of me doesn't trust that everyone else is going to do it right, like they might miss something."

"I'd call you a control freak, but I think I understand, at least a little."

"Well anyway, that's that."

His hand slipped off her shoulder and his eyes drifted back to the dirty dishes for just one moment before he turned and wrapped her in a hug, willing her to lean against him. Her hesitation wasn't as long-lived as he thought it would be and she relaxed against him, giving a shallow sigh while his fingers skittered tenderly across her back. If she'd ever been held like this, it was a long time ago, at some point that she'd blocked out of her memory, because try as she might, she couldn't recall having experienced this feeling before.

In the split second before she enjoyed it, she was scared to death.

It was on the tip of his tongue to say something, (he wasn't even sure what exactly) when Levi ran into the room, breaking them apart.

"Hey, is there popcorn?"

"In the universe? Yes, I think so."

"Mama," she sighed, rolling her eyes in a long-suffering way.

"You don't need popcorn sweetie. You already had ice-cream and it's getting close to bedtime."

"Oh, does that mean I could sleep here with Gabby?"

"No, it's a school night."

"Ug, you're so mean to me!"

"Oh am I?"

"Yeah you are! You're just mean and evil mama!"

"I'm sorry about that. I suppose if I was nicer I would have said that you and Gabby could have a sleep over next weekend but I guess I can't do that."

"Oh wait, I take it back!"

"You can't take things back, Levi. Once you say them you can never take them back. You need to learn that lesson. So right now I am going to be mean and tell you that your words made you lose out on something that you wanted."

Most children probably would have burst into tears and apologies or become combative and upset. Levi just took a deep breath and blinked a few times.

"I'm very frustrated."

"I understand, but I made the decision. Go back in and finish the movie and then we'll go home."

Levi obeyed, although very dejectedly, as if her feet were suddenly made of cement and she was loathe to move from one place to another.

"You're tough," Adam said quietly, an observation rather than a criticism.

"It's easier to be tough now than later when she realizes she can sneak out a window, you know?"

"Easy is relative then I suppose."

"Yeah."

He nodded and opened the freezer, pulling out the gallon of ice-cream.

"Seconds?"

"Yes please."

She retrieved spoons and bowls and he started to scoop ice-cream for both of them, laughing when he launched some onto the counter and it rolled into the sink.

"At least it cleaned up for itself," Lindsay laughed, taking a peek into the living room where the girls seemed to be fading. "My child goes from drama queen to sleeping beauty in like two minutes. How does she do that?"

"Kids are weird," Adam answered with a shrug. "She told me she has three boyfriends in her class but she won't love any of them because they're gross."

"I wonder about her sometimes."

"About what?"

"What she thinks a healthy relationship is. All I've ever portrayed to her is that being alone is normal."

"Then you teach her that's what works for you, and she may find out that something different works for her and that's okay. She doesn't learn only by example, she learns by what you tell her too."

"I never really thought about that. It's just easier to feel guilty."

"Well that's not normal. You don't want to teach her that, do you?"

"No. Where were you five years ago when I started this whole parenting thing and really needed some sense knocked into my head?"

"Would you have listened?"

"Probably not," she sighed. "I was a little too stubborn to listen to anyone at first."

"But?"

"But I quickly learned that when my mom said "Make sure you have a diaper underneath her before you start changing her," she only meant it so I wouldn't have more work to do, not because she thought I was stupid."

"And how many messes did that take to learn the lesson?"

"About a week of them."

"You really are stubborn."

"I wear it with pride."

* * *

"Levi, I need you to wake up just a little so I can get you out of the car."

"No mama."

"Just a little bit sweetie. I'll carry you in, I just need you to hold on to me."

Levi whined and fluttered her eyes open just a little, long enough that Lindsay managed to get her out of the car and into their building. It was a slow walk up the stairs and once she hit the second flight she had to take a small breather and realize just how big her daughter was getting.

"Mama?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

"Lay with me and talk?"

"For a few minutes," Lindsay conceded, stepping into Levi's room and remembering the mess of glitter on the floor from earlier. "Should we talk about this mess?"

"I don't want you to be mad," Levi yawned.

"I'm not mad anymore but you need to tell me why you decided to disobey me."

"I was just… I was just…," she sniffled, holding back tears. "I was making a Valentines card for… for my daddy!"

"Okay. Can I ask why you were doing that?"

"I just thought we could send it to him," she sniffled. "And he would see that I love him."

"Sweetheart, I understand that you really want your daddy in your life and there is nothing wrong with that. But I need you to know that sometimes things don't work out how we want them to. If you want to make that card and send it to him then we'll do that."

"You won't be mad?"

"Of course not! Sweetie, if you want to go for something and if you feel very strongly about it, then I support you."

"I will think about it. Because if he still didn't love me after that, I would be really sad."

"I know."

Levi sighed and wiped at her eyes.

"I just would like a daddy."

"I know. I'm really sorry that I can't give you one, honey. I would if I could."

"It's okay mama."

They lay in silence for a while, Levi seemingly content with the state of things for now. She never whined for long about a father, but Lindsay suspected that was because she thought about it a lot on her own.

"Mama?"

"Hmm?"

"How come Josh was my dad if he didn't want us?"

"I didn't know he wouldn't want to be a dad, Levi. If I would have known… I don't know sweetie. I wouldn't change anything because if I did I wouldn't have you. And if I didn't have you, that would be the worst life I could ever imagine."

"Worse than… life without dessert?"

"A million times worse."

Levi chuckled and yawned, stretching out a little and pulling her blankets up higher.

"Would you sleep by me mama? I would really like that a lot."

"I have some things to do before I can go to bed, but if you want you can go cuddle up in my bed and I'll be in there soon."

"Okay!"

"But first, we still need to talk about the fact that you disobeyed me."

"I know."

"If you wanted to use the glitter, you should have asked me. It's okay if you wanted to keep what you were doing private but you need to learn to ask for things, okay?"

"I get it. I will remember for next time."

"Thank you. I'm not going to give you a punishment this time because I think you learned your lesson, but tomorrow we're going to clean up the floor together."

"Okay. I love you mama."

"I love you too baby. Thanks for being mine."

"You're welcome. I will be yours every day. At least until I am thirty."

"Thirty?"

"I will be old then and I will belong to just me and my job."

"Would you still be mine a little?"

"I guess so. I still gots a lot of you in me, so maybe I should be a little bit yours still."

"That's all I ask."


	10. Chapter 10

"Hey, what's going on, you sounded terrible on the phone… Linds?"

She took a deep breath and wandered to the couch while Adam shut the door behind him and followed her. The phone call had been unexpected and from the tone of her voice, as if she wasn't really expecting the words that had tumbled out. Now she looked frazzled for lack of a better word, and her hands were trembling.

"What's wrong?"

"I got a letter from Josh," she started, rushed.

"Levi's dad? Where did that come from?"

"He says he's taking me to court. He wants partial custody."

"What?!"

He shouted much louder than he intended to, jumping up from the couch and beginning to pace the room.

"He's never contacted you before has he?"

"No."

"What is he thinking?"

"I don't know. He says there are papers coming next week from his lawyer. I never saw this coming. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think he would do something like this."

"What are we doing to do?"

"I don't know," she sniffled, shaking her head and glancing up at him. "But thanks for the 'we.'"

He sat down again and pulled her into his arms, letting her bury herself against him and let out the tears of frustration and fear that had been burning behind her eyes for the last few hours. He'd never seen her like this before. She always managed to hold things in and deal with them almost without emotion. He supposed that when it came to her daughter, there was no pretending that she was okay.

"It's going to be alright," he assured, pulling her into his lap and leaning back on the couch so she was comfortable. "We'll figure it out. We'll get you a lawyer too. Josh has nothing, okay? He abandoned her, he never tried to be in her life. They're never going to let him have custody of her. Not visitation, nothing. Okay?"

"It scares me."

"Scares me too. I'm going to do whatever I can to make this all okay."

"What if they give him something? What if he gets her on holidays or something? I can't go back there all the time and it's not good for her either. I don't even know who he is, Adam. I have no idea if he'd be a good influence on her or not. I don't know if he's doing this to spite me or because he suddenly realized her wanted to be a father or if there's some other reason I haven't even started to think about. This isn't good. It isn't good at all."

He stayed quiet, half of his mind concerned with sorting out some answers for her, and the other half wondering how in the world he had let himself become so emotionally invested in her and Levi in such a short amount of time. He'd never found himself attached to much of anyone, save for a few choice family members. It wasn't that he was cold, but he had carefully constructed barriers around himself and everyone else for years, hoping that he would never have to reveal the extent of the damage that his parents lack of love had done to him. Somehow though, with Lindsay and Levi, things were different. Things were safe, he didn't worry about Lindsay using things against him or picking at old wounds or that she would knock down the barriers unless he let her. Was that why the thought of a custody battle was making him so angry? Was it just a primal protection that he was feeling or had he grown closer to them than he was willing to admit?

"I'm sorry Adam, I didn't mean to unload on you like this."

"It's okay."

"I didn't have anyone else to talk to. I just… you're the only person I could think of."

"Thanks?"

"No, I just mean I don't really think I could tell anyone else. Maybe I shouldn't-"

"Hey, no feeling bad about this. I'm glad you told me, okay? Let me be here for you and we'll figure it out and come up with a game plan."

"Thank you."

She wiped at her eyes and slid off his lap but kept leaning against him, simply because he felt so warm and solid and good that she didn't want to put too much distance between them. She needed him to keep her locked in to reality rather than all the what-ifs that were currently fighting for top position in her mind.

"What exactly happened between you and him? I mean, the last time you really had a conversation."

"A real conversation? A few weeks after I told him I was pregnant. I cornered him in his dorm and showed him the ultrasound pictures. I thought maybe it would change his mind. We fought. He told me that I should give the baby up for adoption because he didn't want to have anything to do with it and he didn't want me coming after him for child support. I promised him I wouldn't but I was keeping the baby and he told me never to talk to him again."

"Did you?"

"Yeah. I called him when she was born to let him know and then I called him on her birthday every year to give him a chance to… it was probably stupid but in the back of my mind I was certain that he would eventually come around."

"Knowing all you know about him, what do you think his motivation is?"

She sighed and played with the loose thread on the throw pillow before speaking.

"My first thought was that he has a serious girlfriend and he wants an "insta-family" or something. If that's the case, if he's just using her I don't want to cooperate at all. If he's had a change of heart and actually wants to be in her life, that's different. But it will take a lot of convincing to get me to believe that."

Adam sighed gently and put his feet up on the coffee table, trying to understand the mind of a man who would abandon his child then suddenly be upset that he wasn't a father.

"How old was he when you got pregnant?"

"Twenty. I understand that he was young and not ready to settle down, but neither was I. He didn't carry the baby so he was able to just ignore it. Sometimes I do wonder if there was something going on with him that I didn't know about. He was the perfect boyfriend before all this. We didn't have a lot of time together but he was nice and charming and smart and everything a college aged guy could be asked to be. And then as soon as I said I was pregnant, he totally changed. It was almost like it flicked a switch in him that turned him into an angry, irresponsible, hateful person."

"Drugs maybe?"

"I don't know. We didn't have very many friends in common and the ones we did have were more apt to take my side than his, so if he was doing them it was with other people."

"Are you going to ask for drug testing?"

"Yeah. I figure if he's going to ask for a DNA test, I can ask for a drug test."

"He's asking for a DNA test?"

"Yeah, he mentioned that in the letter too. He said he has reason to doubt that she is his child and he would like it on legal documents for future reference."

"He means he wants to write her off on his taxes."

"Exactly."

"That's low."

"I know. I don't think that he realizes that by doing this, he's going to have to pay child support every month. He can't honestly think he's going to get full custody of her, can he?"

"If he does then he has a really crappy lawyer."

"That's true."

"Speaking of a lawyer, do you know of any you could hire?"

"Maybe. I just don't know what I can even afford at this point. I think that's an obstacle for tomorrow though."

"Yeah, you should pace yourself."

She chuckled a little and he gave her a squeeze, hoping that the initial fright had worn off to the point where she could think rationally again.

"Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"You're not a mess."

"I feel messy."

"I think you just need some ice-cream."

"Now you're speaking my language."

* * *

"So it looks like we're going to be making a Montana trip in a couple months," Lindsay finished, popping her toes against the kitchen floor and moving her phone to the other ear.

"I'll be happy to see you but this wasn't exactly the circumstance I thought it would happen under."

"Me neither. I hate this, mom."

"What did the lawyer tell you?"

"She said that because he has never tried to contact us, this is considered abandonment and legally he has no rights to Levi. However because he said he's questioned paternity, he can petition for the test and then claim that because he wasn't sure, he wasn't abandoning a child he thought was his. She says the judge will still take into account that he's spent her entire life ignoring the fact that she exists and he never tried to find out if she was his or not, but they have to hear his side of things and give him the benefit of the doubt."

"That doesn't quite feel fair."

"I don't think it is either, but legally that's where we're at."

"Have you told Levi yet?"

"No. I don't want to scare her and I haven't really figured out how to say it. I'm working on it though."

"You're brave sweetie."

"I'm faking it. In reality I'm kind of falling apart."

"Any ideas of what kind of visitation they might give him?"

"I don't know. I don't want her to be flying all over the country every month but I don't really think that's likely anyway. I would assume that they might give him phone calls occasionally and work up to something more."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I'd be okay with it as long as I could control when it was and how long and if I could listen in to the phone calls too. I just worry that this is all about him being vindictive towards me and I'm afraid he's going to use her as a weapon. I don't want her to go through that."

"I don't either. What's she up to right now by the way?"

"Homework."

"Kindergarten and she has homework?"

"Her teacher sends home worksheets that they can do when they're struggling with something. She's not so stellar at math."

"I see. Well, is there anything dad and I can do for you?"

"I don't think so. I'll let you know when I know more."

"I'll tell your brothers for you."

"Thanks mom."

"Go give our girl an extra hug and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"I love you mom."

"I love you too Lindsay."

She hung up the phone and leaned against the kitchen counter, reaching over for the letter that Josh had sent. She'd read it several times now and it never seemed to get better. She hated the way it sounded, so confrontational and demanding. It wasn't like he was coming at this from a place of compromise, or even acknowledging that Lindsay herself really had all the say in this. It was the same way he'd reacted about the pregnancy, telling her what she would and wouldn't do, then coming nearly unglued when she defied him. She'd been thinking about it all night, wondering what had happened, what had made him turn so bitter so fast. Maybe it was drugs, though she really couldn't believe that. Maybe he was a control freak and couldn't handle the fact that he didn't get a choice, didn't get to direct his life completely anymore.

Whatever it was, thinking and speculating wasn't making her feel any better.

"Mama, can you please help me?" Levi shouted from the other room. "It's horrible!"

"Okay, I'm coming."

The coffee table was littered with pencil eraser dust and crumpled papers and Lindsay suddenly saw several years into the future, helping Levi with her homework, which had suddenly become much more complicated. She shuddered at the thought that it may always be a struggle, and sat down next to her frustrated daughter.

"My teacher says we need to do take-aways without using our fingers. I sat on my hands and I just can't count without my fingers!"

"Alright sweetie, let's see what we can do."

"Do you know how to do take-aways mama? You don't look like you know how."

Lindsay chuckled softly.

"I know how to do take-aways, baby. Why don't we work this problem together and you can show me where you get stuck."

"That's like our life!" Levi said, her eyes shining. "We do stuff together and help each other when we get stuck! Like when you're having a bad day I make you laugh and when you're tired I make you coffee, or when I am sad you give me lots of hugs and kisses and when I am so hyper you talk soft and help me to be quiet."

"Can we be like that even when you grow up and I'm and old lady with gray hair and a cane?"

"Yes! I will come brush your hair, like in that song."

Lindsay laughed and pulled Levi into her arms, the homework forgotten.

"Sweetie, I want you to know that no one in this world could ever love you more than I do, and I will always, always love you."

"Oh I know, mama! I can't wait to be an old lady with you! We will have a lot of fun."

"But not too soon. I like you just as you are now."

"Okay. I like you too."

"Ready to do some take-aways?"

"Mm-hmm. Did you know that caterpillars make theirselves cocoons and that's how they become butterflies? I though they just appeared!"

"Yeah, I knew."

"It's called metamorphosis. We learned a song in school, can I sing it to you?"

"After we do some take-aways. Let's do ten and then you can sing the song."

"Okay. Thanks for making a deal mama. You know how I need deals."

"Yes I do."

"And could I play with some makeup tonight?"

"Not tonight, it's too late. But I'll let you wear some to school tomorrow."

"Oh mama you're the best!"

"I try my hardest."

"I love you just so very much! I would like to be with you forever."

"I would love that, sweetie."

The words brought a smile to her fact but a sucker-punch to her stomach and she redirected her daughter to the paper on the table, pointing at the first problem so she could hide the look on her face. She didn't want to think about breaking the news to Levi just yet. It was way too hard to know how to say it to people who understood the situation, but how was she to break the news that their whole lives could change again?


	11. Chapter 11

"Mama, it's sunny outside! It's almost summer, wake up, wake up! C'mon, let's be early birds! Oh please mama! Get out of bed!"

Lindsay groaned and rolled over, pulling her pillow over her head. The protection wasn't enough; Levi just jumped onto the bed and yanked the pillow away.

"Morning smooches!" she giggled. "Mama get UP!"

"No, I'm too tired."

"Well I'm not and grampa says we need to use up all of our day doing constructive things. Sleeping is for the night. You can't disobey grampa!"

"Baby, can you give me one more hour?"

"Nope! You promised me a picnic for my birthday! You sweared and crossed your heart."

"We can have a picnic for lunch."

"Oh but don't you want to love me and hug me and play with me all day? On my birthday? It's a special day! It's the very first day we ever seen each other, and ever loved each other. It's the beginning of our great adventure together. My birthday is the start of it all!"

Lindsay couldn't help but laugh her agreement as she rolled over and pulled her daughter into her arms.

"Levitica Jane Monroe, I love you more than anything in this whole world."

"I know! I love you that much too! Except I don't even know what all's in the world, but I am sure I still love you the most. Please can we get up and go play?"

"Alright, I'll get up. Let's unwrap your presents and then I'll make you breakfast."

"I got presents?" she asked excitedly. "But I thought my present was spending the day together."

"I know, but I got you some stuff anyway. And the family sent you some cards too."

"Oh wow! I am so lucky! Let's go!"

Lindsay chuckled and struggled up from the bed, wishing for just a little more sleep. She and Adam had stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking and while it had seemed like a good idea at the time, she hadn't banked on Levi waking up with the sun.

"Mama, you didn't say there were so many presents!" Levi squealed, clapping her hands. "This is so great! Can we open them all now?"

"Sure sweetie."

The presents were piled on the coffee table and they sat down on the couch together, Levi giggling uncontrollably with excitement. Lindsay tried to be enthusiastic too but the frequency of her yawning was bringing tears to her eyes.

"I made you coffee," Levi said, halfway through opening the first present. "I knew you would want it."

"Oh, thank you baby."

"I will pause while you go get it."

Lindsay smirked and went into the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee and adding some creamer, before going back out to the couch.

"All set? Okay. This one is from… you! I read that all by myself! I couldn't read the card last birthday, when I turned five. Crazy what can change in a year huh?"

"Yeah, it's crazy," Lindsay agreed softly, tucking Levi's hair behind her ear.

"Oh mama this is so cute! How did you know I would like this outfit? When did you get it? How did you know I would want purple? Can I wear it today?"

"Sure you can wear it today."

"I really love it mama, thank you!"

"I'm glad you like it."

"Now, let's see. How about this one from grama and grampa! What do you think it is?"

"I have no idea."

Levi ripped into the paper excitedly, her eyes bugging out of her head.

"Mama it's a jewelry maker! It's just what I wanted! How did they know?"

"A little birdie told them."

"Well how did that birdie know? Oh boy I can't wait to use this! I am gonna make friendship bracelets, one kind for me and you and one kind for me and Gabby! Will you help me with it later?"

"Of course. Maybe after we get back from our picnic."

"Okay! Should I open the last present or all the cards now?"

"Maybe we should wait on the cards and that will make your birthday last all day."

"Oh okay! So I will do the present now."

She reached over for it and read the tag, her nose scrunching up until she recognized the name.

"This is from Adam! What in the world would he get me?"

She tore the paper off the box with a heightened enthusiasm and squealed with joy when the gift was revealed.

"It's an ice-cream maker mama! He remembered! He remembered when we were at the store and I said I would love that. He remembered it and he got it for me! Oh mama, he really loves me! Can I call him right now to say thank you? Can I please?"

"It's too early now, but we'll talk to him later okay?"

"Okay! Mama, this is the best birthday ever! Everyone loves me so much!"

"Yeah we do. C'mere, I want to hold you for a bit."

Levi giggled and climbed into Lindsay's lap, cuddling up happily.

"Mama, the first time you ever saw me, when I was just born and covered in goo, what did you think?"

"I thought "I sure hope she's cute under all that goo.""

"No for reals mama!"

"I thought that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me, you were the most wonderful surprise I could ever have. I thought you were so beautiful and so perfect and I promised you that I would be the best mama in the world for you."

"I don't remember that but I wish I did. Did you hug and kiss me even with the goo?"

"Yes I did, and once they washed you off, I just couldn't stop hugging and kissing you. You were so perfect. Your eyes were blue back then and they were big and bright and I could have just looked at them forever. You made me so happy that day baby. And every day after that you've made me happier than I ever thought I could be."

"I am so glad I got borned to you mama. I wouldn't want anyone else. You and me are together forever."

Lindsay stiffened at the words; the whole thing with Josh was so up in the air that she was in a constant state of worry and fear. Even this simple proclamation sent her upset stomach into overdrive.

"I'm glad too sweetie. I love you."

"Love you too. Gimme a real good squeeze-hug okay?"

"Okay. Give me one back."

They sat together for a long while in silence, much as they had on that first day together six years before. As much as Lindsay had loved her daughter then, she couldn't believe how much more in love she'd fallen since. Every day brought something more, just when she thought her heart was full to bursting, there it was again, more love, unfathomable.

"Mama, can you tell me a special something? One that you want me to remember forever?"

Lindsay sat up a little, taking Levi's face gently in her hands and kissing her forehead.

"Baby, I want you to always know that you are my daughter and that can't change. No one else will ever love you as much as I do, and I will never love you less. No one and nothing can ever take you away from me. Understand?"

"Yes. I will remember."

"Good. What do you want for breakfast?"

"Could we have waffles? I like to fill the holes with syrup."

"Whatever you want kiddo."

* * *

"Can you make a flower crown for my hair?" Levi asked, dropping the pile of dandelions into Lindsay's lap, then plopping down on the blanket and yawning.

"Sure. You just want dandelions in it?"

"Those are not dandelions."

"Oh they're not?"

"Nope. I call them sunbursts. Because it looks like the sun is bursting."

"Oh I see. Well is that all you want in it?"

"Mm-hmm. I can't find nothing else."

Lindsay smirked but didn't correct the grammar, setting to work instead on the flowers.

"Mama, when you were a teeny-tiny like me, did you and grama make flower chains?"

"We sure did. Grandma makes way better ones than I ever could."

"Could you teach me someday? Before I have a teeny-tiny?"

"Yes I will."

Levi stretched and rolled over to look at the sky, pulling her arms behind her head and contemplating the clouds with much seriousness.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think a cloud is sad when it floats away? Is it crying when it rains? Where do the clouds go when there's too much sun? Could we go up in the sky and catch some clouds in a jar for me? What would that be like?"

"Good golly Miss Molly, so many questions."

"Someday I want to be a tree. My feet will be covered in the earth and I will always have fresh air in my branches. I will be tall and strong. And I can watch the world from up really high. Birds will be my friends and they will make nests in my hair."

"My little hippie," Lindsay chuckled, handing her the completed flower chain. "There you go sunshine."

"Oh mama it's beautiful! Can't you make one for you too? So we match?"

"Sure. Go pick me a few more."

Levi giggled and stood up, running across the grass to the patch of dandelions she'd picked from before. Her simple joy was contagious and Lindsay realized she hadn't worried about Josh or lawyers or custody since early that morning. Even at the passing thought of them she didn't flinch, just let them go by as she watched her daughter in a flight of fancy.

She skipped around in a circle, singing to herself and stopping every few moments to pick a prime dandelion. Her long hair tangled behind her and her feet were covered in grass stains and dirt but Lindsay wasn't sure of a time when her daughter had looked more beautiful.

"Here mama. These ones are just glorious. Can we read together as soon as you're done?"

"Sure sweetie. Why don't you look in the basket and pick a book."

Levi nodded and sat down on the blanket, flipping the basket open and pulling out the stack of books they'd brought.

"Hmm, maybe not the Laura books," she said, tossing a copy of _Little House in the Big Woods_ off to the side. "Oh boy, _Charlotte's Web_! Can we read this one mama? I like when you do the animal voices."

"Okay. Anything else you'd like today?" she asked with a little smirk.

"No, today is just perfect. Well maybe there is one thing. Maybe, could we go out for dinner? Would that be alright?"

"Sure. You be thinking about where you want to go."

"Hmm. I will think. You know what? A little bit, I wish we were in Montana right now. I would like a glass of grama's sweet tea and that elk jerky grampa makes. That would be the greatest."

"That does sound pretty good right now," Lindsay agreed, finishing off her own flower chain and putting it on her head. "There, how do I look?"

"You look… um… what's that big huge word that means beautiful? The one you called me the other day that sounded like a doctor word?"

"Pulchritudinous?"

"Yes that! That's how you look."

"Thank you."

"Can we read now?"

Lindsay nodded and they settled back against the old oak tree, cracking the book open. They'd read the story together once or twice before, the first time to cure Levi of her fear of spiders. This time she slapped her hand over the page right after the first chapter and looked up at Lindsay indignantly.

"Why didn't you name me Fern?"

"Because I would have always called you Fern Gully."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Well I would like to be called Fern. It's a good name. It makes me think of sunshine and the woods and the smell of the barn."

"Oh it does?"

"I could also be called Loretta Lynn. I like her."

"Did I ever tell you that you're very strange?"

"Yep! What would you be called if you could change your name?"

"I don't know honey."

"Hmm. I will think of a name for you maybe. How about Carol like on the Brady show?"

"No, I don't think I could ever fill Florence Henderson's shoes."

"Well I'll think about it. Keep reading."

Lindsay smiled and dropped a kiss to Levi's hair, wishing she could freeze this day in time forever, coming back to revisit it frequently. She'd be remembering it often and she was sure the memory would be worn out by the time all these upcoming bad days were over.


	12. Chapter 12

"Adam come play with me! Please, oh please come and play! I haven't seen you in simply ages!"

Her enthusiasm amused him and he crouched down in front of her, taking her hand and smiling.

"Ages, huh?"

"Yes! That means forever."

"You saw me last week."

"Well it feels like forever," she clarified. "Could you please come and play?"

"Doesn't your mama need help making dinner?"

"No of course not! She doesn't need help doing anything really except killing cockroaches, those give her the heebie-jeebies."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Now come with me, I have a new game to play! It's called "Bad Guys" and I need you to do silly voices. Mama's tired of it."

Adam glanced up at Lindsay who smirked with agreement that she was indeed tired of the game. He didn't let it dissuade him though, and gladly followed Levi into her messy bedroom.

"So how many tornados came through here?"

"None."

"Why is it so messy?"

"Oh, I told mama I wouldn't clean up anymore. Then she read me the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle story about that boy that didn't clean his room and he got stuck in it. And I said that will never happen and she said "we'll see," so now here we are. I can't get to my closet."

"Hmm, it must be working then."

"Not yet. And if I do get stuck in my room, well, I hided some snacks under my bed last week!"

He chuckled and sat down on her small desk chair while she buzzed around the room, picking up stuffed animals and tossing them to him.

"Okay, I got them all. We are going to play "Bad Guys." This guy right here, he's the chieftain," she said, handing him a stuffed penguin. "And today he is finding some dudes and dudettes that can be a part of his bad club of badness."

"What do they do in this bad club of badness?"

"Wrong stuff like not brushing their teeth, hiding their veggies under their napkin, playing in their room when it is after time for bed, that sort of thing. Also they sometimes destroy cities. So the chieftain has to ask all these baddies some questions about how they will be good for his bad club. Are you ready?"

"Uh, I guess so."

"Okay, here comes your first person. Wait, I am your secretary," she said, making her voice high-pitched. "My name is Sally. Here comes your first person. His name is Machismo."

"Hey Machismo, good name. Do you got what it takes to be in my club of bad guys? What's your superpower?"

"I can crush a building with my foot!"

"Excellent. I've been looking for a worthy building crusher for so long. All the other guys can only smash out windows. You can be on my team."

"Thanks sir. I will not let you down."

Levi galloped the stuffed giraffe onto her bed, then picked up the next toy, a stuffed pickle with a cape.

"My name is Super Pickle and I can fly to the moon. Can I be in your bad guy club?"

"No way! Flying to the moon is good, you have to do something bad."

"Okay. I can also swim real fast to the bottom of the ocean and unplug it! Then all the sharks will got no place to go."

"I don't know, Super Pickle. I'm not sure if there's a place for you on my team."

"I can also make food. Mostly pickles! And your club needs to eat right?"

"I'll think about it. In the meantime, make me a sandwich."

Levi giggled and they continued in this fashion for quite a while until Lindsay called them in for dinner. Adam carried Levi to the table upside down, as was her request, and settled her into her chair while she begged for chocolate milk.

"I don't think so, you had a cupcake for a snack earlier and it's too late at night for sugar."

"Well okay, but could I have hot chocolate with breakfast?"

"Yes, that would be okay. Take your vitamins honey."

Levi nodded and gulped them down obediently, then dug into her dinner with gusto.

"Well we have a field trip tomorrow," she said after a moment. "For the last day of school. My class is going roller skating. Mama took the day off so she could go with us. And she said I could have a slushy if I am good and helpful to other kids! And I am always good and helpful, so I am going to get a grape one. Are you going to get one too mama? What flavor? I bet you will get the blue one. Oh hey, mama didn't you say we could get a cat sometime?"

"I said that a long time ago. Right now however, you need to eat dinner."

"Sometimes my brain just goes so fast and it's so full of stuff that it sometimes starts leaking out!" she explained with a shrug. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright sweetie. Just remember to take some breaths between your thoughts okay?"

"Okay. Can I just say one little tiny thing first?"

"Okay, one very tiny thing."

"I like when we all have dinner together. It feels very nice and happy. And that's the little thing I want to say."

She went happily back to her dinner, humming to herself and not realizing the impact her words had on the two adults at the table. They didn't meet each other's eyes for a long while, both their minds swimming with that one word. Together. They didn't talk about the fact that they were both entertaining the idea of something more in the very backs of their minds. They didn't discuss the amount of time they'd been spending together, talking until late into the night until they were both almost falling asleep. Neither one of them wanted to mention that being more than friends, no matter how nice it seemed right now would probably not be a good idea. She wasn't entirely sure that she really even wanted more, or if she had gotten so attached to the friendship that she wasn't able to separate the feelings in her mind. He was still trying to decide if the moments of peaceful domesticity were making him think about settling down, or if it was the two people he shared those moments with.

"Thanks for the good dinner mama. Boy you guys are so quiet. Could I go watch a movie?"

"Not tonight, you need to get to bed soon."

"Okay. I will go color instead," she announced, sliding down from the table and taking her plate to the sink. "Call me if you need somethin' to talk about."

It was a long moment of silence before Adam glanced up, meeting Lindsay's eyes from across the table.

"You thinkin'?" he asked.

She gave a short nod.

"Me too."

He cleared his throat after a moment and stood up from the table, gathering the dishes.

"I'll go ahead and take care of these."

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's make this not weird."

"Okay. Shake it off."

She chuckled and stood up, picking up the rest of the dishes that he couldn't carry and joining him at the sink.

"So, roller skating. Are you going to wear a poodle skirt?"

"I don't know, they're so itchy."

"How long has it been since you've roller skated?"

"I believe I was eight and I am pretty sure MC Hammer was involved."

"In Montana, does MC Hammer refer to a brand name of farming tools?"

"Shut up!"

He laughed at her indignant face and they finished up the dishes quickly, then joined Levi in the other room.

"I accidentally colored on the mail," she informed them. "But just on the envelopes. Is any of that junk mail I could have please?"

"Why don't you let me look at it first."

Levi handed the stack of mail over, hovering as she watched Lindsay sort it. Even she wasn't sure why she liked mail so much, but the thought of getting a new stack was thrilling to her.

"Oh this one is for you. It must be a… birthday… card…"

Lindsay's voice trailed off as she stared at the teal envelope as if she'd never seen such a thing before. It was almost as if she was frozen sitting there, not able to answer Levi's questions about who the card was from. Adam tipped it in his direction, finding nothing abnormal about it but realizing he knew where it came from all the same.

"Mama seriously can I open it? Who is it from?"

"It's from Josh."

"It is?!" she squealed, clapping her hands in delight. "For real, my Josh-dad sended me a birthday card!"

"It's a week late," Lindsay muttered, still staring at the envelope.

"I want to read it! Please!"

Lindsay handed it over and Levi tore into it with excitement. She'd never received anything from her father before and she was itching to see what kind of card he'd picked out.

"Ooh, it's a princess card! And he wrote in it. I know what these words say. It says "Happy birthday sweetheart. I hope being six is the best time of your life. I love you and I will see you soon. Love daddy."

She frowned a little bit at the end and looked up at Lindsay, whose eyes were wide in surprise.

"He said he will see me soon. Is he coming here? Mama why didn't you tell me?"

"I… he's not… "

"What is going on?"

Silence fell over the room for one tense moment, in which Lindsay decided that there was no point in keeping her daughter in the dark any longer. They'd be in Montana in a month, they would have to see Josh, there was no way Lindsay could act like nothing was up.

"Honey, we need to talk about something."

"What's the matter?" Levi asked, climbing onto the couch, her eyebrows knitted together in concern. "I think you look upset."

"I'm not upset, not in the way you might think. It's just something I have to get used to. Levi, Josh has decided that he wants to be part of your life."

"Oh. Okay, well why are you upset?"

"Because it's going to be very hard to do that when he lives in Montana and we live here."

"Well… what are we going to do?"

"We have to have someone help us figure that out. So in a few weeks, you and I are going to go stay with grandma and grandpa for a few days and Josh and I will talk to some people who will help us decide what we can do to make all of us happy."

"You don't like Josh, do you mama?"

"I don't. But that doesn't mean you don't have to."

"So will he come here to see me?"

"I don't know yet."

"Why did he send me this card?"

"I think he's just trying to let you know that he cares about you," Lindsay guessed, nearly choking on the words.

"I'm sorry mama! I'm so sorry!"

"What are you sorry for?"

"Because I've been wishing this for a long time, and praying too and now you are so sad! I didn't want to make you sad mama! I am so sorry I will never wish anything again!"

She burst into confused tears and dropped her head to her hands, unable to sort out all the emotions that were running through her right now. She wanted to be happy but at the same time she felt so incredibly guilty over the whole situation, guilty that she'd wished for it, and guilty that she was happy. All she needed was her mama after all, why should she ever have wished for Josh too?

She felt a hand on her back and she looked up to find Adam, who reached over to wipe her tears away.

"No one is mad at you, Levi. Do you know that?"

"Maybe."

"Mama's not upset with you. Most of this is just between grown-ups. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know your father."

"Okay. You're not mad at me for real mama?"

"For real. Honey, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm afraid that Josh will want to see you all the time and then I won't get to be with you all the time. I really don't want that to happen. It makes my stomach upset to think about it. But I know it's important for you to know who he is, and to decide for yourself what he is going to be in your life. Okay?"

"I will hate him if you want me to."

"I don't want you to hate him. That would make me sad. I want you to be true to what you feel. If you really like him then that's okay with me. If you don't that's okay too. But I want you to give him a chance."

"Will I have to go live with him?"

"No."

"Okay then it can't be that bad, right?"

"Right."

"I am going to take this card in my room and think about it while I get ready for bed. Really gonna think about it."

She jumped off the couch and went into her room, shutting the door behind her.

"You okay?"

"No."

He wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into him, hating all the stress this was putting on her. She was well aware of the most likely outcomes, which were not all that bad in the grand scheme of things. But there was a little niggling part of her that still entertained the worst case scenario, the one that had her putting her baby on a plane every other month to fly across the country and stay with a man that neither of them really knew. The thought had been keeping her awake at night and distracted during the day and the closer the court date got, the more anxious she became.

"Everything will be okay. I promised you when this all started that we would find a way to make it work out to be the best for Levi. Your lawyer has reassured you many times that it's going to be okay."

"I know that."

"I'm not going to tell you not to worry because I know that would be a silly suggestion."

She smiled a little and he took her hand, threading his fingers through hers because he knew it helped her to settle her mind down.

"What can I do to help?"

"I don't know. Just tell me when I'm being crazy."

"You're being crazy."

"Thank you."

They shared a small smile and he leaned down to kiss her forehead, sealing the conversation for now. She wasn't going to think about it anymore tonight, and he was going to do everything he could make sure she was distracted from the situation and could get a good night's sleep.

"I'm ready for bed and I'd like to be tucked in now," Levi said as she walked into the room. "Could you both do it?"

"Sure sweetie."

They stood up and followed her into her room, gently kicking toys out of the way while Levi deftly slipped the birthday card under her pillow.

"I said my prayers already, I just need a kiss," she reported, smiling up at them. "Or maybe two."

They both smiled and leaned down to kiss her while she giggled.

"Goodnight guys. Don't party without me."

"Don't worry, your mama isn't any fun."

"And neither is Adam. Sleep good baby. I love you."

"Love you too mama. And Adam, I love you buddy."

"I love you too kiddo. Catch ya later."

They slipped out of her bedroom and Lindsay cracked the door open before they made their way back to the couch, where they resumed the previous position in silence. His fingers grazed over her arm and she sighed softly in a kind of peaceful way that made him wonder if she'd ever actually been this still before.

"You're going to have a first-grader soon," he said after a while in a teasing sort of way.

"Nah. She's going to be a kindergartener forever because I can't stand the thought of her growing up that much. She was a baby last week, I'm certain of it."

"You ever think about having more?"

"Yeah, maybe someday but I don't want to do it alone again."

"You could if you had to."

"I know. But I don't want to. There's parts of being a single parent that I do like, but it would be better to have a partner."

"Do you regret it?"

"No. I regret the timing maybe, but nothing other than that."

He tumbled her words over in his mind for a few moments unsure if the response he wanted to make was right or not. In the end he never said anything and they sat quietly for quite a while, hands joined between them comfortably.

"Will you do me a favor?" she asked after a while, her voice soft and wavering.

"Probably. What is it?"

She breathed deeply, eyes falling to her lap and voice losing power even before she used it.

"Could you stay with me tonight?"

He was silent, hoping she would explain her request just a little bit more before he knew what he was agreeing to. Of course, he was going to agree no matter what she said because he wanted to be there for her but he wasn't sure if that was what she really needed.

"I'm so tired of being alone," she admitted tearfully, still not meeting his eyes. "I just can't be by myself anymore. I can't lay in the dark and worry and wonder and I know you already do so much for us but I really need you because you're the only one who… I just need you."

"Want me to tell you a really boring story so you fall asleep just to escape from it?"

"That would be great."

"Okay, let's go."

He took her hand to help her up from the couch and they made sure the door was locked and the lights were off before they went into her bedroom. She hesitated at the door for a moment, but only a short moment before she walked boldly to the bed and tossed the covers back.

"I'm going to change, I'll be right back."

She grabbed some sweats and stole away to the bathroom, taking a moment to compose herself. She hadn't meant to ask him to stay over, it had just sort of slipped out and while she was a little perplexed at her subconscious, she wasn't going to spend time figuring out how to go back on it. She did want him there and she may even have needed him there and the realization that she was opening herself up a little bit made her feel quite good about herself.

She changed quickly and went back to the bedroom, finding Adam sitting on her bed, thumbing through the book of trivia that had been sitting on her nightstand.

"I've found your secret," he said with a grin. "Do you sleep with it under your pillow? Learn by osmosis?"

"I've probably forgotten more than I've ever read," she answered with a shrug, sitting down next to him. "But don't lose my bookmark anyway."

"Yes ma'am."

She slid under the covers and he followed suit, his shoes dropping to the floor. She yawned and tugged a pillow under her head, rolling onto her side while he started to read bits of trivia aloud. She didn't really pay attention to what she was saying as much as she was paying attention to how it felt to not be alone. There had been times when she was younger that she'd dreamed of something like this, some kind of closeness and safety. And then life had happened and she began to rely solely on herself for everything she needed. But these last few months had made it clear that no matter how self-sufficient she was, emotionally, she needed someone else. And there was nothing wrong with that.

"Hey. You okay?"

"Hmm?"

"I just read a fact about a platypus and you didn't even laugh. That's your favorite animal."

"Deep in thought."

"About what?" he asked, closing the book and turning to face her.

"Life, man."

"What about life?"

"Just things. I don't know."

"C'mon," he encouraged, brushing her hair back from her face. "Tell me."

"I don't know, I was just musing about growing up and at which point do you become an adult and if you actually ever are one."

"That was the most terrible sentence I have ever heard."

"Well… you asked."

He smiled as she yawned, reaching over to turn the lamp off and settling down next to him.

"Thanks for staying."

"Anytime."

He rolled slightly towards her and slid his arm around her waist, noticing how her entire body seemed to freeze, even her breathing changed. After a moment he moved a little, wondering if she was physically uncomfortable or if she was rethinking the whole "stay with me" request. She moved with him, staying close but not relaxing against him and he realized suddenly what the problem was.

"You're not used to this."

"What?"

"Letting your guard down."

"I don't do it much but it doesn't mean I can't."

"You can't."

"I can too!" she argued, sitting up a little to look down at him. "I asked you to stay didn't I?"

"That's not what I mean. You can't relax."

"Yes I… well, I try to… I mean…"

"You can't even talk to me about it."

"No, it's just… you're right. I'm not used to this. I've never had someone just be with me like this and I just don't… I don't really know…"

He laughed a little and pulled her closer, kissing her forehead.

"Look you wanted me to stay for a reason, right?"

"You make me feel better. And I get lonely when you leave."

"So maybe you're depending on me a little?"

"A little."

"Well that's step one."

"What's step two then?"

"Step two is you relaxing and going to sleep."

"Okay."

He gave her a few moments to adjust and get comfortable then took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Linds, being friends includes trusting each other."

"I do trust you."

"Not entirely. And that's okay, it takes time. Just don't stop trying, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm going to stick around for a while, you know that right? You can't scare me away."

"Thank you. I have never really had someone that was… well someone like you."

He smiled at the words, knowing how close they were tiptoeing to other discussions that neither one of them was ready for.

"Go to sleep, Linds. The problems will still be there in the morning."

"Was that supposed to be encouraging?"

"No, just honest."

"Okay."

She closed her eyes and sighed deeply and while she shut her mind down for the night, his was whirring at top speed. How long could they dance around this? How long could he pretend that every time he saw her his heart didn't beat just a little faster? How many times would she fall asleep beside him before she felt it too, before she was ready? And as much as he could coach her in the finer arts of opening herself up, when would he start to listen to what he was saying? When would he put a little trust in her?


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: This was actually one of the very first chapters I started over two years ago when this story was just a speck of an idea.

* * *

"Hey, I didn't think I was going to hear from you today."

"Well no but-"

"You said you were going to have a girls day and I wasn't allowed because I didn't have the right chromosomes."

"Well I did but-"

"You said I couldn't even bring you dinner tonight."

"Adam."

"Yeah?"

"We got in a car accident."

His teasing immediately went away and he stood up from his chair, nearly frantic.

"How bad? Are you okay? How's Levi? Where are you right now?"

"We're okay. Our cab got T-boned by a motorcycle. I'm fine, Levi's wrist is swollen and they gave her a soft brace to wear for a few days. We're still at the hospital. I was wondering if you could come and get us."

"Yeah, I'm just about to leave work anyway."

"Okay. Do you still have my spare key?"

"No, I gave it to a homeless guy."

"I can't joke right now."

"Yeah, I have the key. What do you need me to do?"

"My extra car key is in the junk drawer. Could you just drive down and get us?"

"I'll be there. Sit tight."

He hung up the phone and finished clocking out glad for once that he'd been scheduled for the early morning shift and was able to leave by lunchtime. He wondered if they'd eaten already, knew from experience with injuries that Levi would probably have pain relievers to take and it would be easier with food, but eventually he reminded himself that he needed to get to them before he worried about too much else.

Once he got to the hospital it took him almost twenty minutes to find them, despite following the right signs for the ER waiting room. He spotted them in the corner of the room, Levi sleeping deeply and Lindsay staring out the window, nothing in the room seeming to phase her. He crossed to them and crouched down in front of her smiling when she registered that he was there.

"You doin' alright?"

"Yeah," she answered softly, twisting a strand of Levi's hair around her finger. "Thanks for coming all the way up here."

"Any time. Am I taking you straight home?"

"We need to stop at the pharmacy."

"Okay. Want me to carry her?"

"Sure."

He lifted Levi easily into his arms and she sighed sleepily, rubbing her nose against his shoulder and muttering something before settling into sleep again.

"Want to get some ice-cream at the pharmacy too?" Adam asked softly, sliding his free arm around Lindsay's shoulder and ignoring the voice in his head that kept trying to distract him with thoughts of a nice little family picture.

"Maybe."

"You sure you're okay?"

She nodded but leaned into him, making it clear, at least to him, that she wasn't okay but she wasn't ready to talk about it either. He'd gotten used to some of her non-verbal cues over the last few months and it wasn't hard for him to decode some of the ones he didn't already know.

"To the store we go then."

She was quiet all the way out to the car, letting him drive and constantly turning around to check on her daughter. Nervous wasn't really the word best used to describe her right now and while paranoid seemed better as far as her actions, it didn't fit within the context.

"What are you thinking about, lady?" he asked, reaching over to squeeze her hand.

"A lot of stuff. She was really scared in there today. They had to check her over for spinal injuries and stuff and she wouldn't stop screaming. Finally they figured out how to calm her down enough and then they went to put the blood pressure cuff on her and she freaked out. It was like she was possessed or something. She was wailing like mad, kicking and trying to bite people. They couldn't sedate her because they weren't sure if she had a concussion or not but they wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain why she was acting like that. She kept looking at me with this horrible expression, like she couldn't believe I wasn't helping her. I just wanted to pick her up and run out of there but I couldn't. All she needed was some space. She hates things being too tight on her and she didn't like the blood pressure cuff because it was tight and scratchy and she just can't verbalize when things like that aren't comfortable and that's okay because I get it but other people don't. Other people think she's defiant or spoiled or that she has a developmental hurdle that I'm ignoring or any number of things. And I didn't realize until now how often her little things come into play. So I'm wondering if I'm doing it right and I'm afraid that everything I do is completely wrong. I'm afraid that it will all get worse instead of better. And this is a horrible time to be second guessing myself. I'm worried that everyone will see it in my face, that I doubt myself as a mother and that's going to work against me. Maybe she does need her father in her life. Maybe I haven't been the best mother to her because I've had to be both and I've shortchanged her."

"Lindsay, you know that's not true."

"I know. But that doesn't mean I'm not still questioning it."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay. You know where to find me if you change your mind."

"Thanks."

* * *

"I don't want this on!" Levi whimpered sleepily, picking at the Velcro on her wrist brace. "It is so, so itchy."

"I know it is honey but you have to keep it on for a few days."

"It's frustrating."

"I'm sorry."

Levi grunted her disapproval and stomped out of the room, finding refuge in the kitchen with Adam who was putting away the dinner dishes. He scooped her up and she rested against his shoulder while he rubbed her back.

"I don't want to go to bed with this on," she started, rubbing her eyes. "I am not tired. I want to just go to Montana right now, not in the morning."

"I bet you do. If you go to sleep, your trip will come faster though."

"I want you to come with us. I will show you all my favorite things there."

"Maybe someday."

"Okay. Could you rock me in the chair for a little bit? My medicine makes me feel funny."

"You don't want your mama to rock you?"

"She does it all the time. I want you to."

He agreed and they went back to the front room where Lindsay was looking frazzled and trying to pack. There were clothes everywhere and two suitcases open on the couch, neither one of them looking nearly ready to go.

"Mama, Adam is going to rock me," Levi said with a yawn. "So you don't have to."

"What if I wanted to?"

"Well then who would pack our clothes?"

Lindsay gave a half smile and watched out of the corner of her eye as Adam sat down in the rocking chair settling a blanket around Levi and rocking gently back and forth. Adam had always been good with Levi, tender and patient with the ability to make her feel like she was important not only to him, but as a person in her own right. But Lindsay had never seen him take care of her like this, fulfilling the basic need of comfort just because she'd asked. She couldn't pinpoint her exact feelings on it but she was sure they were good.

"You okay?" he asked softly, once Levi was sleeping.

"Overwhelmed," Lindsay admitted, dropping a pair of jeans into Levi's suitcase and sitting down on the coffee table. "I'm not ready to go out there."

"Let's go for a drive."

"What?"

"Driving with no destination can cure everything that ails you. Except motion sickness. Come on, we'll tuck her in the back seat and go."

"That sounds really good."

"Of course it does. C'mon, let's get out of here."

She smiled and grabbed her keys and phone before following him out the door. They ended up moving Levi's carseat into his Jeep, as he was going to take them to the airport in the morning anyway. She stirred a little when they buckled her in but settled back into her deep sleep fairly easily, her thumb sliding into her mouth.

"So, north, south, or west?"

"What?"

"Which way should I drive?"

"Oh. I don't know. North I think. West and we'll hit Jersey."

"This is true. Self preservation and all. North it is."

She sat back in the seat and put her feet on the dashboard, both of them silent for a while until they got out of the city.

"Thank you for this, Adam."

"You're welcome."

She reached across the console for his hand, squeezing it gently, feeling suddenly that all that mattered in the world was right here in this car. It took the breath out of her lungs to think like that but at the same time it felt so safe.

"Talk to me Linds. What's worrying you the most right now?"

"At this very moment? I'm thinking about packing."

He chuckled quietly, eyes flicking up to the rearview mirror briefly to check that Levi was still asleep.

"And after you think about that?"

"I'm getting really nervous about this hearing. I want whatever is best for Levi. I'm just afraid that what I know is best and what some judge is going to decide aren't going to be the same thing. I'm trying to be rational about it all but sometimes I just let my mind run in all kinds of crazy directions."

"I've noticed."

"You're ridiculously patient with me. You must be a saint."

"I'm not a saint, I'm just an awesome friend."

"That you are."

They fell into silence again and drove for almost an hour before he stopped the car at a rest stop.

"What are we doing here?"

"I want to tell you something."

She was confused but got out of the car anyway, watching as he climbed up onto the hood of the Jeep, then held his hand out for her. She took it and settled in next to him, leaning against the windshield and staring up at the stars. He remained quiet for a while until curiosity got the better of her and she turned to look at him.

"So what did you want to tell me?"

"Can I be honest?"

"Please."

"This is going somewhere isn't it? You and me?"

"I think it might be."

"Do you want it to?"

"Eventually, yes. I'm not ready right now and to be perfectly honest it kind of scares me to think about but it's something I do want. Are you thinking along the same lines?"

He nodded slowly, not looking in her direction. Clearly he had something on his mind in addition to this frank conversation.

"Linds, there are some things you need to know about me."

"Okay."

"I'm not a good guy," he started, not looking at her because if he did he knew he would never spit everything out. "I'm working on it, but it's not really who I am."

"What do you mean?"

He wasn't sure if he should start in the middle or at the beginning and he was quiet for a moment, running things over in his mind and trying to remember what she already knew.

"I almost got married once," he said finally. Her reaction was silence, which was surprising; he'd been expecting at least a gasp of surprise.

"When?"

"College. We were too young to get married anyway so it's good that we didn't."

"What happened?"

"I wasn't a nice guy back then. I was rude, pessimistic, prone to anger… I wasn't a fun person to be around. She loved me anyway but it wore on her. I don't think I really realized what I was like until she called me out on it, and even then it took me a long time to figure out that I needed to change."

"So she ended things with you?"

"Yeah. I can't blame her though. And if she hadn't, I never would have changed. I needed that kick in the butt."

"Why were you so angry?" she asked after a moment, turning to face him as best as she could.

"I told you about how I grew up. The abuse was more verbal and emotional than physical but it still did a lot of damage."

"I'm sure it did."

Not another word was breathed between them for several minutes until he cleared his throat, as if lifting a huge burden. His voice was shaky and for some reason she felt herself blinking back tears, sensing that whatever he was about to say was heavier than either of them were prepared to deal with.

"I had a sister. Two years younger than me. When she was four she woke up really early one morning and went to play outside. She was hit by a car. Died instantly. When they told me, all I could think was that it was a lie. I knew she was gone, but I didn't believe how it happened. I was absolutely certain that my dad had hit her, he'd gone too far. I believed that for years, until I was a teenager and I found the police report in the old newspaper in the library. I didn't know for a long time how much that damaged me. I'm sure there's a lot of psychological stuff involved with it but the way I grew up had a lot to do with the man I became. There's times that I wonder what would have happened if Hope had lived. I wonder if my parents would have eventually figured out how to love us or if life would have continued on the same way. But I can't think like that. I can't constantly blame what happened to her, and how they treated me for the choices I make as an adult."

He didn't realize how tightly they'd been gripping each other's hands until he stopped talking to take a breath and felt her eyes on him, holding him in a tight gaze.

"Once I moved to New York it got easier. Away from that environment I began to really see who I was. Spent a lot of time with Gabby, she was just a baby then. Being with her was like finally finding out that there are good things in life. I didn't feel angry anymore. And you and Levi have helped with that more than you know. You two have made me so much better than I was. When you call me because you want to talk or you need help, it makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Like I'm not that miserable guy I was before because someone wants me there."

"I'll always want you there Adam."

He nodded and turned to face her surprised that after the heavy conversation there was still a light in her eyes. Thinking back, he couldn't remember a time when that light was ever completely gone. Even on the most horrible days, it had always been there.

He didn't meant to do it, he didn't plan it, and he didn't have an explanation for it afterwards, but he leaned over and pressed his lips to hers, only hoping it was the right move at the time.

She didn't pull away but the kiss was so quick that she didn't have much time to reciprocate either and a moment later he wondered if it had been the wrong thing to do. But that light was still in her eyes, her hand was still in his and he knew that while neither one of them were quite ready for that next step yet, the kiss hadn't been misplaced. They were quiet for a moment until she dropped her gaze from his somewhat shyly.

"Haven't done that in a long time," she confessed after a moment. "Was it terrible?"

He laughed and shook his head, giving her hand a squeeze.

"Not terrible."

"I guess someday we'll do that again then?"

"Yeah. In time."

She sighed and stared up at the sky for a while, fully aware of how late it was getting and how early they needed to be at the airport in the morning.

"We should probably go."

"Good idea."

"Thank you for telling me all that stuff, Adam."

"Thanks for listening."

She smiled and they slid off the hood, getting back into the car and both turning to check on Levi. She was sleeping soundly in her carseat, arm propped up on a stuffed animal.

"Poor baby. This isn't going to be an easy week for her."

"Not for you either."

"Yeah but I'm more concerned about her."

Adam rolled the words over in his head for a moment, starting the car and getting back on the road before he said anything.

"You need to have someone concerned about you."

"I'm fine."

"Can't I be concerned about you?"

"You really want to take on that burden, Atlas?"

"Stop."

"You don't have to worry about me."

"Even if I don't have to I'm going to anyway."

"Well alright then."

She grinned at him and they fell into silence for most of the drive back, making little comments here and there but mostly lost in their own worlds.

"Want me to carry her up?" Adam asked, once they'd parked.

"Sure, thanks. She's getting almost too big for me."

Adam got Levi out of the car, being careful of her arm and making sure to get her settled before he moved so she wouldn't wake up. He finally got her upstairs and tucked into bed, making sure her arm was elevated.

"Think she'll be okay like that?"

"I think so. Thanks Adam."

They tiptoed out of the room and he pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head.

"You're allowed to say no. But I think I'm going to go out there to be with you at the hearing."

"Adam, I can't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking me to. I'm just doing it."

"Okay but that's a lot of money and time and it's not a little thing Adam."

"I know. I've been thinking about it for weeks. If you don't want me there or if it won't help you at all then I won't go. But if it will help you, then I want to be there."

It took her a long time to answer and she stood there weighing her pride against her needs.

"When would you fly out?"

"Thursday after work. Fly back with you Monday morning."

"Can you afford to do that?"

"Yes."

"Will Mac let you take the days off?"

"I asked him last week."

"You've really thought about this."

"I have. It's up to you though."

She sighed, wondering why her stomach was suddenly so nervous.

"I want you there."

"Then there I will be. As long as I can get a vaccine against Redneckitis."

"Shut up."

He smiled and hugged her tightly, glad she was letting him do this.

"I'll see you in the morning."

"Thank you Adam."

"Any time. Goodnight Linds."

"Goodnight."


	14. Chapter 14

The way that the sneakers cushioned her feet was one of the most comforting feelings in the world and despite the three mile run and the early hour, she was loathe to kick them off at the front door. Winded, achy, and in need of a shower, she desperately wanted to go one more mile but she knew she shouldn't. Instead Lindsay collapsed onto the porch, regulating her breathing and enjoying the coolness of the wood beneath her. The day before had started early and ended late and between keeping Levi occupied and behaving on the plane, having jet-lag, and needing to talk to her parents about the upcoming hearing, she hadn't had more than a minute to think about everything that had transpired between her and Adam just the day before.

If she thought hard enough she could take herself right back to that moment; the slight breeze in the air, the way the crickets had sounded, how soft his hand was as it held hers, the gentle pressure of his lips and the wonderfully clean smell that was so him. All she had to do was close her eyes and it was right there for her, a memory waiting. She was smiling peacefully to herself, pausing the moment in her mind to make it last longer, when the front screen opened and slammed shut.

"Mornin' mom."

"How'd you know it was me?"

"You don't walk as heavy as dad does," Lindsay explained, sitting up. "What time is it?"

"Almost seven. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. Can I help you make breakfast?"

"Dad's had his already but I ran out of eggs for you two. Levi told me last night she wants one green egg and one brown one so I have to go check what the hens will give up. Come with me?"

Lindsay nodded and bounded off the porch, almost skipping next to her mother as they went to the hen house.

"Levi's grown too much."

"I know," Lindsay conceded, checking an egg over for cracks. "She's going to be tall. Taller than me when all is said and done."

"Like her father."

"Yeah. I just hope it doesn't happen too fast. She's still my little girl."

"You're still mine too."

"I know."

"Is there something else going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

The look Lindsay received was one she knew well. It said "I'm not an idiot, I'm your mother." She wrinkled her nose and sighed, shaking her head lightly.

"I think I might like Adam a little. Or a lot."

"That's a foreign concept for you isn't it?"

"I haven't been interested in anyone in years. I've always just focused on Levi and work, but I think that's going to have to change."

"Are you ready for that?"

"No. But I'm ready to get ready."

Evelyn smiled, mostly to herself. She'd seen this coming a mile away. Lindsay and Levi both talked about Adam in every phone conversation, as if he was with them all the time, and when Lindsay had announced he was flying over half the country just to be there for her, any of the questions she still had were dashed.

"If that's what you want honey, then I want you to have it. You deserve it. I would just advise you not to rush it."

"I know. I've got too much going on right now to really think about it much and he isn't ready yet either, but we'll get there. Just let it happen."

"You're really happy. Despite everything that's going on, you seem pretty settled."

"I'm scared out of my mind even though I know it's going to be okay. I just feel like everything will eventually fall into place, but it's going to take some time to get there. I know they're not going to give Josh any visitations, at least not as it stands right now, but I'm nervous about Levi meeting him. I don't even know who he is anymore. Don't know how to prepare her."

Evelyn was quiet, finishing gathering the eggs before they walked out of the hen house and she slid her hand into Lindsay's tugging her towards the house.

"You're her mother. You'll figure it out. And I'm not saying that to be dismissive, honey, I know you will."

"This sucks. Why did he do this?"

"I don't know. I think we just have to focus on the good aspects of it."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that he wants to be in her life. The fact that he could end up being good for her. The fact that she's wanted this for a long time."

"I know. And that makes it easier but I'm really worried about her getting her heart broken. I don't want him to be around for a while then walk away when he finds out that being a father wasn't all he thought it would be. I would rather he was never there than to tease her with it for a while then leave."

"Maybe he's changed. Grown up a little. Maybe he can be a father now."

"I guess time will tell."

* * *

"How come we never go out for ice-cream in New York?" Levi asked, eyes wide as she was handed the cone with strawberry ice-cream and sprinkles.

"Because it would be a waste of money. Not even in New York can you find ice-cream like you can here."

"I can't wait to eat this."

"Want to go for a walk and eat or stay here?"

"Let's walk to the park. I can burn off the sugar afterwards."

Lindsay smiled and took her daughter's free hand as they made their way out of the small store and down the street. Levi's sandals slapped sloppily against the sidewalk and she hummed her herself as she ate, clearly happy to be back in her hometown. She hadn't talked about being homesick in a long time, but it seemed that the fresher air was doing her some good. She seemed settled.

"Mama?"

"Yes Wrinkles?"

"Even if I have to stay with my Josh-dad, I will always love you more. You will be my favorite."

"Thanks sweetie."

"You're the one that stays up with me in the night when I have bad dreams and you buy all my food and make sure I take my vitamins and you love me when I'm naughty and you teach me lots of things and even when I have to go to my room you don't stay mad for long. And you listen to me when I talk. Lots of grown ups don't do that. But you do. And that is why you will always be my best favorite."

"Oh sweetie," Lindsay breathed, kneeling down to hug her daughter. "How did you know just what I needed to hear?"

"Because I am a magical fairy princess!"

She giggled and broke away from the hug, running across the grass to the playground. Just as she hit the bark chips, her ice-cream tumbled off her cone. She stood there staring at it for a minute then slowly knelt down and grabbed it, picking the dirt off before placing it back on the cone and wiping her hand on her shirt.

"It's still good!" she called, taking a big bite. "I'm going down the slide!"

Lindsay laughed and sat down on the bench, preferring to finish her dessert before running all over the place. Levi squealed with delight as she went down the slide backwards, falling off the end and rolling over to stand up again before she spun in a circle then ran to launch herself belly first onto a swing. Singing loudly to herself she swung back and forth as her ice-cream dripped down her hand. Grass stains on her knees from a morning in the yard, light streaks in her hair from the sun of summer, and dirt under her nails just from being a kid, she was the very picture of carefree and happy. Finally finishing her treat, she repositioned herself on the swing, standing on it and holding onto the chains, rocking back and forth carefully. She didn't seem to be bothered with the brace on her wrist, despite her whining about it earlier. Maybe she needed to be forced to deal with things she didn't like sometimes. Maybe that was good for her.

"Mama, come push me on here! I want to feel like I'm flying!"

Lindsay walked over to the swing and pushed it gently, making sure Levi was holding on well before letting her swing too high.

"Wha-hoo this is fun! Mama, you should do it too!"

"Yeah but if I do it then who will push you?"

"Where's Adam when we need him?"

Lindsay smiled but pushed the swing without a response and they fell into silence for a little while, until Levi suddenly bailed off the swing, running to Lindsay and hugging her, tears dribbling down her face.

"I don't want to leave you mama! I don't want to go with my Josh-dad! Please, please don't make me! I'm happy in New York I promise! I will be really good and not have fits anymore. I promise very much mama!"

"Oh baby, this isn't your fault," Lindsay said, dropping down into the swing and pulling Levi into her lap. "What's happening right now isn't happening because of anything you did. I promise you. This is between me and Josh. I don't want you to think it's because you did anything wrong. And even if you did, I would still want you with me all the time. Nothing you will ever do will make me want to be away from you. Okay?"

"Okay. I just don't want to live with him."

"Honey, who told you that you'd have to live with him?"

"I thinked that's what it meant!"

"Oh no! Baby, no. Maybe someday you will visit him or he will visit us but you will never have to live with him. I'll make sure. You will always be mine."

"I was so scared!"

"I'm sorry we didn't talk about this more, sweetie. I guess I just didn't know how. I guess I need to start doing better before you're a teenager or we're going to have major problems."

"I don't want us to have problems."

"Then I am going to work on talking with you better and making sure we're on the same page."

"So I for sure won't be going to live with my Josh-dad later right?"

"Right."

"And do I have to shake his hand if I meet him later?"

"I would like you to because that's good manners but if you're not comfortable with that, then I won't make you do it."

"It makes my belly upset. Kind of scared."

"I know. Me too. We'll get through it baby. It's going to be just fine."

They swung slowly on the swing until Levi calmed down and slid to the ground.

"Tonight when I go to bed will you cuddle up with me really tight?"

"Of course I will."

"Then I am ready to go and have a bath and go to bed. Maybe if grandpa could rock me a little while too."

"I'm sure he'd love to."

"And could I call Adam to say goodnight and I miss him?"

"Probably."

"Do you miss him mama?"

"Sure I do."

"When we get home maybe we can see him. And Gabby! I miss her a lot. Could me and her have a sleepover?"

"That would be fun. I'll talk to her mom and we'll work something out."

"Great plan! I'm glad we had this talk. What are we going to do tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure. I thought maybe we could go for a ride and then meet Audrey for coffee."

"Okay! And when will we go to the lake? You promised me we would."

"After church on Sunday."

"Sweet! I'm so happy for this. I can't wait to swim."

Lindsay chuckled.

"You'd better be prepared. I'm pretty sure one of your cousins will throw you in the water."

"Probably Finn. He always does that kind of stuff to me. Like having a brother sorta."

"Yeah, sorta."

"Do you think I will have a brother someday?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe we could pick one up for me at the hospital sometime. I don't mind sharing a room. It will have to grow in your belly for a bit. And we'll need to find it a daddy. But otherwise, I could have a brother right?"

"Maybe someday. Let's get scootin', okay?"

"Okay. I suppose I'd better have bubbles in my bath, because I am extra dirty. Because of country life."

"Yeah, and you smell like air too."

"I sure do! Didn't you know that being outside all day can give you a wonderful feeling about life?"

"I did know that. Sometimes I forget though," Lindsay chuckled as they made their way back to the car.

"We should be outside more often-ish. I'd like that. Someday could we move to another house that has a yard?"

"We could try. Until then maybe we should spend more time at the park."

"Okay! Boy howdy, I sure am tired. I can't wait to climb under my covers. I like the covers on my bed here better than the ones at home. These are more softish. Could you ask grandma what kind they are? And maybe we could get me some new ones?"

"I'm pretty sure I could do that, just don't let me forget."

"I won't. I am real good at remembering things that I want."

* * *

"I think she's finally asleep," Lindsay whispered, adjusting the phone and running her finger over Levi's face. "Chattered until the very last second."

Adam smiled on the other end of the phone, yawning and pulling his pillow under his head.

"I miss that crazy girl."

"She misses you too. She told me that no less than fifteen times today."

"Did you tell her I'm going to be there tomorrow?"

"Nah, I thought the surprise was good. What time does your flight come in?"

"Around four. Are your parents okay with me staying?"

"Yeah, they didn't seem to mind, just shared a very pointed look."

His silence was contemplative and she let her mind wander, wishing she could catch his and figure out what was going on in there.

"So what do they think?"

"I told you, they didn't mind."

"No, I mean… what do they assume?"

"Oh. Um, my dad didn't say anything really. My mom isn't really thinking much at least not anything that she's saying. We'll see what happens when you get here. I think my parents are going to be much easier to deal with than my brothers, by the way."

"I gotta deal with brothers too?"

She giggled and reached over to turn off the bedside lamp.

"It'll be fine. Although I am pretty sure they'll be talking about what it means to fly across the country for someone."

"They won't buy us being just friends will they?"

"I don't know actually. Just have good answers, you'll be fine."

"Are you doing okay?"

"I think so. I have to go see my lawyer in the morning. Kind of makes me nervous. I'll be fine though."

"You sound sleepy."

"I am. All this fresh air and whatnot."

"Get some rest. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," she corrected with a little smile.

"Sleep good Linds."

"Night Adam."

She started to end the call, then thought better of it, a sudden impulsive need for just one more thing.

"You still there?" she asked, hoping she wasn't speaking to dead air.

"You didn't hang up yet."

"I love you."

The triune proclamation hung in the air between them, waiting for a place to land. It wasn't like they hadn't said it before but this was different somehow, almost like a promise rather than a statement. It could have been months ago or yesterday that she decided she wanted to be with him but it wasn't until this moment that she fully grasped the concept.

"I love you too. Get some sleep."

This time she smiled and ended the call, setting her phone next to the bed and wondering how long it would be until he called to tell her good morning. No matter the nervousness that gnawed at her stomach, the worry that kept her eyes from closing, there was a little bit of peace in the storm that she could hang onto.


End file.
